Bibliophobia
“Why don’t you want to read my book?”
“I fear it wants to read me back.
It has that piercing, judging look.”
“Why don’t you want to read my book?”
“Why does a coney dread a cook?
Why does a kitten dread a sack?”
“Why don’t you want to read my book?”
“I fear it wants to read me back.”
–Tom Riley
The Very Suggestion
“What? Me, wrong? Why, the very suggestion!
It proceeds from cerebral congestion.
And I give it the axe,
your citation of facts.
Now let’s please saunter on from this question….”
–Tom Riley
Vow of Silence
He vowed silence. His vow was self-doubted.
He vowed silence — but soon he was outed.
In his resolute station,
he endured conversation.
People spoke. “Vow of silence!” he shouted.
–Tom Riley
Cultural Difference
The little girls of Deutschland aren’t in danger.
Oh, no! Forced sex with Muslims isn’t rape!
It’s good for girls to make it with a stranger,
Lithe limbs held down, or bound with gray duct tape.
And, if the stranger has a warm complexion
And speaks a language Luther never tried,
Why, that’s an intercultural connection!
Its benefits can hardly be denied.
Rejoice that Deutschland’s understanding jurists
Now stroke these truths with evident delight
Instead of crediting outmoded purists
And punishing the foreigner! Tonight
You must put out, my dear, till bruises show.
Pope Francis and Frau Merkel tell you so.
–Tom Riley
(German judge acquits Muslim of rape on grounds of cultural difference.)
Ben Jacobs: The Next Chapter
O bold Ben Jacobs, step right over here!
I know a guy you really ought to meet.
If you don’t venture from your current sphere,
Why, then, I say your life is incomplete.
The sympathy you’ve won, no doubt, is sweet.
E-cards, I’m sure, keep right on pouring in.
You read support in tweet on tearful tweet.
You’re wasted on good wishes now, not gin.
But let a chapter fresh and new begin!
Prepare your probing questions and your smirk!
Prepare your editing! Prepare your spin!
You have a vast ability to irk!
The apple’s falling now — and you are Newton.
Yes, step right over here. Meet Comrade Putin!
–Tom Riley
Critical Acumen
Of big pictures he’s fiercely aware–
Though for evidence he doesn’t care.
He’s a genius — for he
Can perceptively see
Larger pictures that simply aren’t there.
–Tom Riley
Fox News Gets It All Wrong
How tenderly she mouthed Bill’s herpes stick!
What an exalted dream it was to be
Involved, if only temporarily,
In such a ritual of munch and lick
With such a president! She turned no trick.
This was no act of empty venery.
No, it was love — as all her fans agree!
If any creep says otherwise, he’s sick.
Did JFK choose Marilyn Monroe
As proper movie star with whom to sleep?
Why, then, Bill’s choice of Monica as hoe
Proceeded from affection warm and deep!
Offered his organ, how could she not blow?
But Roger Ailes? He made it all sound cheap!
–Tom Riley
(Monica Lewinsky blames late Roger Ailes for embarrassment over presidential blowjob.)
Gianforte Falls Short of Our Standards
He threw the little asshole to the ground–
And that’s what politicians must not do.
With sacred status boundless and profound,
The journalist works hard for me and you
Unearthing what is or what may be true–
So every journalistic lad and lass
Must rest secure from consequences. Who
Would dare deny this principle, alas?
He threw the pushy pansy on his ass.
He broke some glasses, too, I understand.
He nixed the loser’s freedom to harass.
On that, our proud reporter never planned.
GOP hopefuls, folks, are clearly flakes.
Such journalists should be impaled on stakes.
–Tom Riley
Flammeus Gladius 