Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Month: May, 2017

Dr. Insight

Dr. Insight

 

 

Dr. Insight, you’ve twisted the text–
And I find I am frightfully vexed
by the program you follow.
Your assurance is hollow.
Oh, what lie are you going to spout next?

 

 

–Tom Riley

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Bibliophobia

Bibliophobia

 

 

“Why don’t you want to read my book?”
“I fear it wants to read me back.
It has that piercing, judging look.”
“Why don’t you want to read my book?”
“Why does a coney dread a cook?
Why does a kitten dread a sack?”
“Why don’t you want to read my book?”
“I fear it wants to read me back.”

 

 

–Tom Riley

Very Suggestion

The Very Suggestion

 

 

“What? Me, wrong? Why, the very suggestion!
It proceeds from cerebral congestion.
And I give it the axe,
your citation of facts.
Now let’s please saunter on from this question….”

 

 

–Tom Riley

Vow of Silence

Vow of Silence

 

 

He vowed silence. His vow was self-doubted.
He vowed silence — but soon he was outed.
In his resolute station,
he endured conversation.
People spoke. “Vow of silence!” he shouted.

 

 

–Tom Riley

Cultural Difference

Cultural Difference

 

 

The little girls of Deutschland aren’t in danger.
Oh, no! Forced sex with Muslims isn’t rape!
It’s good for girls to make it with a stranger,
Lithe limbs held down, or bound with gray duct tape.
And, if the stranger has a warm complexion
And speaks a language Luther never tried,
Why, that’s an intercultural connection!
Its benefits can hardly be denied.
Rejoice that Deutschland’s understanding jurists
Now stroke these truths with evident delight
Instead of crediting outmoded purists
And punishing the foreigner! Tonight
You must put out, my dear, till bruises show.
Pope Francis and Frau Merkel tell you so.

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(German judge acquits Muslim of rape on grounds of cultural difference.)

Ben Jacobs: The Next Chapter

Ben Jacobs: The Next Chapter

 

 

O bold Ben Jacobs, step right over here!
I know a guy you really ought to meet.
If you don’t venture from your current sphere,
Why, then, I say your life is incomplete.
The sympathy you’ve won, no doubt, is sweet.
E-cards, I’m sure, keep right on pouring in.
You read support in tweet on tearful tweet.
You’re wasted on good wishes now, not gin.
But let a chapter fresh and new begin!
Prepare your probing questions and your smirk!
Prepare your editing! Prepare your spin!
You have a vast ability to irk!
The apple’s falling now — and you are Newton.
Yes, step right over here. Meet Comrade Putin!

 

 

–Tom Riley

Desperate Straits for the GOP

Desperate Straits for the GOP

 

 

Gianforte won — a narrow, narrow win:
Just about 51 to 43.
Against the media he dared to sin–
So it is real bad news, his victory.
It’s bad news chiefly for the GOP.
The Dems, in contrast, celebrate their loss.
This guy’s a fucking liability!
He’s rolling wildly, gathering no moss!
Well, if I mix my metaphors, the boss
Won’t mind at all: I’m on the proper page.
I’m cooking with a special slanted sauce.
With losers and with journalists, I rage.
What are right-wingers basking in the sun for?
If they win one more time, they’re surely done for.

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Gianforte victory reported as bad news for GOP.)

Critical Acumen

Critical Acumen

 

 

Of big pictures he’s fiercely aware–
Though for evidence he doesn’t care.
He’s a genius — for he
Can perceptively see
Larger pictures that simply aren’t there.

 

 

–Tom Riley

Fox News Gets It All Wrong

Fox News Gets It All Wrong

 

 

How tenderly she mouthed Bill’s herpes stick!
What an exalted dream it was to be
Involved, if only temporarily,
In such a ritual of munch and lick
With such a president! She turned no trick.
This was no act of empty venery.
No, it was love — as all her fans agree!
If any creep says otherwise, he’s sick.
Did JFK choose Marilyn Monroe
As proper movie star with whom to sleep?
Why, then, Bill’s choice of Monica as hoe
Proceeded from affection warm and deep!
Offered his organ, how could she not blow?
But Roger Ailes? He made it all sound cheap!

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Monica Lewinsky blames late Roger Ailes for embarrassment over presidential blowjob.)

Gianforte Falls Short of Our Standards

Gianforte Falls Short of Our Standards

 

 

He threw the little asshole to the ground–
And that’s what politicians must not do.
With sacred status boundless and profound,
The journalist works hard for me and you
Unearthing what is or what may be true–
So every journalistic lad and lass
Must rest secure from consequences. Who
Would dare deny this principle, alas?
He threw the pushy pansy on his ass.
He broke some glasses, too, I understand.
He nixed the loser’s freedom to harass.
On that, our proud reporter never planned.
GOP hopefuls, folks, are clearly flakes.
Such journalists should be impaled on stakes.

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(GOP candidate charged with body-slamming reporter.)