So Long, Football
So long, football! You were a fine sport
While you lasted, and fans of a sort
Found true joy watching you.
What improbable cue
Made you heed the command: SELF-ABORT?
—Tom Riley
Law Enforcement Lessons from the Career of Robert Mueller
It’s easier to wake the Manaforts
Than to keep those Tsarnaev boys in line.
There’s more cooperation in the courts.
It’s easier to wake the Manaforts!
Such actions are not actionable torts—
So so-called freedom-lovers need not whine.
It’s easier to wake the Manaforts
Than to keep those Tsarnaev boys in line.
—Tom Riley
Mueller’s Heroes
Mueller’s brave heroes rushed intently in
To roust the startled Manaforts from bed
And to molest the missus. “Foe ahead!”
He’d warned them. “Fight like tigers, guys, and win!
Find the original Trump-loving sin
And make it Russophilic, as I said!
Folks should have voted Hillary instead!
Now the reversal can at last begin!”
They searched hard for the weapons that she might
Have hidden in her nightie. Get a clue,
America! Oh, try and see the light
And do what loyal Democrats should do!
They did it all to make us safer, right?
Do you feel safer now? You do? Me too!
—Tom Riley
(Agents carry out daring raid on Manafort bedroom.)
Tend the Fire
Have you tended the fire that was needed?
With your chores have you gravely proceeded?
Have you truly hung tough?
It has not been enough.
Morning warnings went wholly unheeded.
—Tom Riley
Why This Is a Senryu and Not a Haiku
I brought crickets to
the pond. Stubborn bullfrogs still
refused to inspire.
—Tom Riley
Don’t Be a Hater
Brethren:
Of course, you’re not allowed to hate.
Hatred’s a violation of the rule
Our noble culture hails as aureate.
If you hate, you’re a scoundrel and a fool.
If you hate, you’ve become the willing tool
Of evil, and you soon will learn regret.
If you hate, you are frightfully uncool.
If you hate, you’re no righteous teacher’s pet.
Hey! Universal love is your best bet.
Embrace it warmly, brethren! Smooch its ass!
If you disdain this clever counsel yet,
Some vast disaster’s sure to come to pass.
Exception: given current vile events,
Hating McCain is simple common sense.
—Tom Riley
The Height of Righteousness
Have you achieved the height of righteousness?
You have, sir, by agreeing with Mark Shea!
Another nifty Facebook post today
Proves he’s a modern prophet, more or less.
By “liking” it, you echo yes, yes, yes—
And to his grinning Facebook fan base say
That you are proud to join in this display
Of groupthink, quite as nice as a caress.
Have you attained the peak of charity?
You have — for Mark’s profession of the same
Warm virtue here where all the world can see
Is golden. To the multitudes proclaim
Mark’s glory as he chortles modestly!
You are a winner when you play this game.
—Tom Riley
The Investigation Ends
The detective chose wisdom instead
Of integrity. Why go ahead?
Why let unknowns proceed?
Truths — like victims indeed—
Are in some cases better off dead.
—Tom Riley
At the Microbrewery
“Savor nuances as they appear
And then fade like a goddess’s tear!
Seize the flavor — and say
You’re in Heaven today!
What’s your answer?” Oh, well, it’s a beer.
—Tom Riley
Noncommittal
The righteous Moser now composes prayers.
He is a satirist we must admire.
At Donald Trump’s deficiencies he stares—
Then utters forth ferocious lines of fire
While strumming on a cool stylistic lyre.
Amongst the vast Resistance, he’s the best—
And of his genius we can never tire.
Or anyhow, that’s how he sees his quest.
It can’t be my place, people, to suggest
That Moser is as bright as swamp-soaked shit,
That, in the role of critic, he’s a pest
And furthermore a fucking hypocrite.
Therefore, that’s something I decline to do.
I leave such damning judgments up to you.
—Tom Riley
(Paul Moser, Napa’s Leader of the Resistance, composes a prayer.)
Flammeus Gladius 