Sucker

Sucker

 

How does Shea suck? It’s time to count the ways—
Or try.  The number may soar out of view.
He sucks because he never has a clue.
He sucks because he turns a lousy phrase
And thinks it’s really neat. He sucks for days
Then has his stomach pumped and sucks anew.
He sucks because the Zeitgeist sticks like glue
To his red beard throughout the tricks he plays.
And, most of all, he sucks for sinking low
In the pursuit of fraud, condemning “hate”
While he himself hates widely. Oh, his show
Convinces some! Perhaps they’ll share his fate.
Shea sucks — and, if what Dante wrote is so,
Shea will be sucking down in Circle Eight.

 

—Tom Riley

 

(This poem is of course a parody of Mrs. Browning’s famous Sonnet 43, which I abominate for its false rhymes, Victorian pieties, and ladylike prissiness. However, Mrs. Browning on her worst day, with a double concussion and having downed a fifth of Scotch, would still be a better writer than Shea on his best day, unpunched and sober.  The greatest injustice is that Shea remains unpunched.)

Not Again!

Not Again!

 

Oh, no! More klutzy sonnets from Mark Shea,
Full of false rhymes, with unrhymed lines thrown in
Whenever Shea, who’s really dumb as sin,
Can’t think from A to B and back to A!
Though proved incompetent, he types away.
When fourteen lines are done, he gives a grin
And tells himself he’s truly scored a win.
Ignorant fans applaud this slack display.
The Muses, though, are sickened by the smell
That rises from Shea’s verse, ineptly planned
And executed. Let him rot in Hell!
That’s what the Goddesses of Taste demand.
Shea doesn’t mind. In his world, all is well.
The Catholic jack-off jerk has tried his hand.

 

—Tom Riley

 

(Planned Parenthood ally and notorious glutton Mark Shea “tries his hand” again at the sonnet.)

Victor Victus

Victor Victus

 

“I’m assembled from various parts
In accordance with Victor’s dark arts.
As both beggar and chooser,
Victor ends up a loser.
I have wisdom, though he may have smarts.”

 

—Tom Riley