Not Quite There
Is the whole hoax about to explode?
Are we off the dumb Russia probe road?
Of course, that would be fair—
But we are not quite there.
Media are in cover-up mode.
—Tom Riley
High Crimes and Misdemeanors
“Trump was late to fire Porter, that rat!
This offends every pure Democrat!
Let’s decry Trump anew!”
Trump eats cheeseburgers, too.
“Oh, he does? Let’s impeach him for that!”
—Tom Riley
Judgments
With the brain of a turtle, he made
Solemn judgments, soon fiercely conveyed
In his shouted commands.
And we all clapped our hands
At the idiocy he displayed.
—Tom Riley
Naked Pictures
To see the Donald naked was the goal
Of Adam Schiff. Oh, what a hunk of man
The Donald was! The shifty one began
To be obsessed — and that state takes its toll
On puny body and on smutty soul.
As only congresscreatures truly can,
He adhered to a strange and twisted plan
And, for the parts he sought, gave up the whole.
Later, he said he knew the crazy news
Was just a prank. He said he knew? Yeah, right!
Losers make just such protests when they lose.
The evidence that pranksters brought to light
Definitively contradicts such views.
(The disappointment makes Schiff weep at night.)
—Tom Riley
How Romantic!
Romantic cinema where man meets boy?
Awash in limitless sophistication,
Christian reviewers overflow with joy.
The guile that scheming pederasts employ
Is true enlightenment, not obfuscation.
Romantic cinema where man meets boy
And renders boy a fleeting summer toy?
Line up now to express your approbation!
Christian reviewers overflow with joy.
Contrarians serve only to annoy.
We ought to put them on a reservation.
Romantic cinema where man meets boy
Is on the cutting edge — so don’t be coy!
Embrace the latest stylish iteration!
Christian reviewers overflow with joy.
Their easy psychobabble they deploy
Against your every mental reservation.
Romantic comedy where man meets boy?
Christian reviewers overflow with joy!
—Tom Riley
(Stephen Greydanus reviews Call Me by Your Name.)
Oral Arguments
Lisa Page, Esquire’s oral arguments
Were offered in the court of Peter’s pants.
That’s where their sessions tended to advance
Naturally in the order of events.
These star-crossed lovers shared a heartfelt sense
That they were Clinton people not by chance
But by necessity — so their romance
Should be a Clinton one. Hey! No offense—
But I contend that this was a mistake.
Oh, love’s a drug — and judgment’s what it numbs!
Of course she hungered to relieve his ache.
She sucked so much she often needed Tums.
But parts aside from hearts can also break.
See what his seed inflicted on her gums?
—Tom Riley
The Why of It
With a sideshow freak Peter Strzok cheated.
Why? His member became overheated.
It was smaller than small
But grew hotter than all—
And a cheap fuck was just what he needed.
—Tom Riley
What a Performance!
Ethnic hate lists of Strzok and of Page
Were the same: against Russians they’d rage—
And Romanians, too.
They did not need a cue—
And each other’s flushed groins were the stage.
—Tom Riley
Ingratitude
On the council of scholars he sits,
Thinking students will read in his shits
Lessons stunning and new.
“Hey, I’m shitting for you!
Your ingratitude’s giving me fits….”
–Tom Riley
Flammeus Gladius 