A Lot of Ifs

A Lot of Ifs

A lady told me that Mark Shea can write.
Oh, sure he can, I thought. If sentences
As loose as flab, as dense as foggy night,
As trivial as any online quiz
Are signs of writing skill; if vagueness is
The soul of wit; if prejudice is king;
If sheer blab is what makes the writing biz;
If ostriches, not songbirds, truly sing;
If spittle dropped at random packs the sting
Of satire from the hand of Juvenal;
If leaves the Sibyl hoards turn red in spring;
If Housman’s cherry tree blooms white in fall;
If shameless begging reaches lofty height—
Why, then, assuredly, Mark Shea can write!

–Tom Riley

Social Distance

Social Distance

Me, complain about viruses? Please!
This disease grants a moment to seize!
I am looking at you.
And that’s why I can do
Social distancing, madam, with ease.

–Tom Riley

Conversion Experience

Conversion Experience

The phony convert sneers at sacraments.
They never helped him prosper in his role
Of beggar. No, he never had a sense
That spiritual things comprised a whole,
That comprehending them should be his goal,
That anything but stuffing his fat face
Could matter. His vast belly is the soul
That he esteems. Hey, you! Get back in place—
For experts say your faith is a disgrace
If it defies the panic of the hour
And threatens glutton Shea’s unholy race!
Behind a screen, like him, you have to cower.
The headlines list significant events.
React to them – and screw your sacraments!

–Tom Riley

 

(Pretend Catholic Mark Shea flips a fat middle finger at those who want sacraments.)

Immediate Apprehension

Immediate Apprehension

 

She doesn’t have to reason. She just knows.
A good thing, too, since reasoning is not
Amongst her skills. At reasoning she blows.
(She practices her oral sex a lot.)
Fuck “truth” and all that patriarchal rot!
She casts a spell of seeing – and she sees.
She grasps the stuff that Sleepy Joe forgot.
You’re looking for a demonstration? Please!
Are we upset with her inanities,
Pissed at her bogus revolution show?
We’re no more pissed at that than at her sleaze.
Why aren’t we furious? What do we know
That makes it so her shit can only bore us?
She only cares about her own clitoris.

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Patheos slut Rebecca Bratten Weiss knows what Trump cares about.)

In Decline

In Decline

We’ll know that Creepy Joe is in decline
when he forgets the hair that he’s just sniffed.
Until then, let’s assume that Joe is fine.
We’ll know that Creepy Joe is in decline,
we’ll get the drift, we’ll see the glaring sign,
we’ll watch as brain and Biden have a rift–
we’ll know that Creepy Joe is in decline
when he forgets the hair that he’s just sniffed.

–Tom Riley

Stop This Thing

Stop This Thing

Joe Biden knows the way to stop this thing.
He’s going to engage his science brain!
If he ousts Trump, then cease your worrying.
Joe Biden knows the way to stop this thing!
Plus, with your hair he longs to have a fling.
When he inhales it, he won’t cause you pain.
Joe Biden knows the way to stop this thing!
He’s going to engage his science brain….

–Tom Riley

 

Listen to the Rhythm

Listen to the Rhythm

Tried to tell
the rain how sorry I
was for interrupting.

–Tom Riley

 

Pray for Shea

Pray for Shea

 

“And let Satan stand at his right hand!”

 

Pray for Shea, someone told me. I may–
but I’ll pray the Old Testament way.
Satan: stand at Shea’s right!
God of Hosts: smite — then smite!
Only then may Shea have a nice day.

 

–Tom Riley

Shower Scene

Shower Scene

Who’s the professor finding in her shower?
Her sister, who is equally a slut,
Speculates. Using heaps of mental power,
Professor Weiss presents her skinny butt
Under the steaming stream of water. What?
Are liberation theologians there?
With them will the professor opt to rut?
For her it’s fantasy, for them a scare.
No, really. Who has chosen as his lair
The place where the professor’s gathered sweat
Is washed away? Who’s entered? Who would dare?
Who will survey her tits and say, “Well met”?
The question’s giving nervous fans a fit.
Is there a psycho there? Of course. She’s it.

–Tom Riley

 

Necessity Says

Necessity Says

The world slumbers – but there’s work to do!
So your counselors say, lad, to you.
Let the lazy and weak
Snore away! You’re unique.
You are moved by necessity’s cue.

–Tom Riley