“Shit, this is just a slightly sunnier version of Stoker’s Dracula, with Frodo playing Jonathan Harker, Gandalf playing Abraham Van Helsing, and Sauron playing the Count himself.”
Stephen King – wizard, yes, and idiot—
Tells us that Tolkien’s masterpiece is “sunny.”
He’s right – if bile, once spread on toast, is honey.
He’s right – if in our sphere just rulers sit.
It’s true that skies in Middle-Earth are lit
By a bright sun. Oh, look: there goes a bunny!
It’s true that hobbits can be cute and funny.
It’s also true that they display true grit.
One of them truly needs it: that’s the one
Who, with his squire, while sun and moon are wheeling,
Enters the Dark Lord’s realm. It isn’t fun,
Whatever Stephen King may find appealing.
In the end, when the sacrifice is done,
All he can hope for is some distant healing.