Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Month: February, 2022

Normals

Normals

Every lemming going
over the cliff congratulates himself
on being normal.

–Tom Riley

Poeta in Cubiculo Suo

Poeta in Cubiculo Suo

Sir: the pope may be great in his sphere.
I mean this pope, who talks like a queer
And to Commies sells out.
A fine fellow, no doubt.
In my heart, though, I say: out of here!

–Tom Riley

Brave Sir Biden Takes a Stand

Brave Sir Biden Takes a Stand

“I shall stand up to Putin – and Xi!”
Says Joe Biden – while taking a pee
Down his leg, long and hairy.
“Let those tyrants be wary!”
Both are laughing uproariously.

–Tom Riley

Signs of Weakness

Signs of Weakness

“Why did Vlad the Invader not go
Forth invading when Trump – who we know
Was his puppet – was there
In the White House?” Don’t care—
Just as long as you’re not blaming Joe!

–Tom Riley

Ukraine’s Lifeguard

Ukraine’s Lifeguard

Looks like Comrade
Kornpopov is harder to scare
than Corn Pop.

–Tom Riley

Stevie King Ukrainian Potpourri

Stevie King Ukrainian Potpourri

Putin has screwed the pooch, says Stephen King.
Jerk failed to realize that Hero Joe
Would make him pay the price for everything.
Hey, Stevie’s confident – and he should know.
Although this isn’t quite his horror show,
He understands the genre thoroughly:
He understands how things are bound to go
With incarnations of monstrosity.
Biden is sure to force Count Vlad to flee
As once Count Dracula fled London Town—
Or else, like Ben Mears, Biden’s sure to be
Pounding a stake through Moscow’s macho clown.
Before that happens, though – let this be said!—
Joe’s brain must first be summoned from the dead.

–Tom Riley

Operation Enduring Freedom

Operation Enduring Freedom

Interruptions, occurring all day,
Will bear all your free minutes away
By the hour. By the hour!
But it’s still in your power
To shrug briefly and mutter: “Okay.”

–Tom Riley

Incident Not Reported to the Curator

An Incident Not Reported to the Curator

When the unearthed
figurine miraculously speaks, the pedant
corrects her grammar.

–Tom Riley

Not Very Nice

Not Very Nice

(for Mary Gundling)

Does Mrs. Gundling say I should be nice
To enemies of common decency?
That attitude, I’m sure, would be a vice.

I knock twerps down and kick them more than twice.
Perhaps those standing by might challenge me.
Does Mrs. Gundling say I should be nice?

Noch bleibe ich kaltblutig, veins like ice.
My iron nerves indeed cannot agree.
That attitude, I’m sure, would be a vice.

Like the God Julius, I’ve rolled the dice
And stepped beyond all vile uncertainty.
Does Mrs. Gundling say I should be nice

Instead? Warm, soft, and bloodless – like white rice?
Before the idols must I take a knee?
That attitude, I’m sure, would be a vice

For which I would be punished in a thrice.
Counsel instead those targeted to flee!
Does Mrs. Gundling say I should be nice?
That attitude, I’m sure, would be a vice.

–Tom Riley

Unused

Unused

Limbs I never
even knew I had are
now completely paralyzed.

–Tom Riley