Two Different Species of Self-Improvement

Two Different Species of Self-Improvement

Eating a healthier
diet? Well, I am drinking
a classier whiskey!

–Tom Riley

Begging Forgiveness

Begging Forgiveness

Please forgive me! I’m drinking rosé
On this sad and degenerate day.
White and red? I ran out.
What a miserable lout!
What a pink and disgusting display!

–Tom Riley

Ten A.M.

Ten A.M.

I wasn’t going to take a drink today—
But now it’s ten a.m., and things are altered.
To those who judge me I would like to say
I wasn’t going to take a drink today.
But is sobriety the game to play?
I reconsidered. Do not say I faltered!
I wasn’t going to take a drink today.
But now it’s ten a.m. – and things are altered.

–Tom Riley

Conviviality

Conviviality

The convivial Pharisee
offers me companionship. I think
I’ll drink alone.

–Tom Riley

Optimistic Alcohol

Optimistic Alcohol

Pessimistic philosophy? Fine.
I’m observing the hurtful design
Just like you. Just like you,
I recoil from it, too—
But I treat these perceptions with wine.

–Tom Riley

El vino es comida

El vino es comida

Stewardess doesn’t know that wine is food.
I do not need a sandwich, honey pie.
Correction here, I’m sure, would count as rude.
Stewardess doesn’t know that wine is food—
And thus in dire sobriety I’m stewed
Until the next damn cart is passing by.
Stewardess doesn’t know that wine is food?
I do not need a sandwich, honey pie!

–Tom Riley

I Love a Girl in Uniform

I Love a Girl in Uniform

Lesbians used to find a happy place
In military life – but now it’s trannies.
That is a fact the dykes will have to face.
Now chicks with dicks will ogle female fannies.
Now former girls who’ve sacrificed their tits
Will be in charge, aloof, at renamed bases.
Don’t dare complain the brass have lost their wits!
The cards are dealt. You just don’t hold the aces.
Come over here with me. I saved a seat
For every one of you. I’m pouring whiskey.
You can have rocks – although I drink it neat.
Too much sobriety is also risky.
There might be more to do than drink and talk.
On the wild side, why don’t you take a walk?

–Tom Riley

Drink like a Fish

Drink like a Fish

Did the sardines
I had for lunch enjoy
their sauvignon blanc?

–Tom Riley

Old Marse Robert Samples Aleksandr Dugin’s Vodka and Finds It Good

Old Marse Robert Samples Aleksandr Dugin’s Vodka and Finds It Good

“Aggressive abroad and despotic at home.”

The unipolar world is at an end—
Which suits me fine. The Yankees went too far,
As Yankees always go. Now they descend.
I’m watching their imaginary star
Plummet. The tortured earth it’s sure to scar
Again – a sort of global spouse abuse.
But keep the victim handcuffed? No cigar.
Expecting that, the Yankees prove obtuse
Beyond their former measure. Fast and loose
They’ve played since 1860. For a while,
It served them well. But now, neck in the noose,
Their empire will be throttled, and in style.
And all of the disasters that we see?
Predicted by the Last of Heroes, Lee.

–Tom Riley

Early Wine

Early Wine

Wine with breakfast today – and that’s risky.
No, I don’t stumble, belch, or get frisky—
But a headache might follow
Such a six a.m. swallow.
And the only cure then is noon whiskey.

–Tom Riley