Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: Amazon

On the Degeneracy of Stephen Colbert

On the Degeneracy of Stephen Colbert

Colbert? Of course he’s always been a twerp.
His Trump Derangement Syndrome was extreme.
He didn’t merely suck: he had to slurp.
How eagerly he joined the sissy team!
Wet was the way this sad cunt had to dream
When planning his Obama interview.
Spontaneously also he would cream
When Buttigieg, unsubtle, gave the cue.
One thing, though, that I thought he’d never do—
This baby-killing, underhanded queer—
Was urinate on Middle-earth lore too.
I thought his love for Tolkien was sincere.
I thought he had that virtue, clear and strong.
Today it’s obvious that I was wrong.

–Tom Riley

Flabbergasting FREE Offer: TWO for the Price of NONE!

Flabbergasting FREE Offer: TWO for the Price of NONE!


The word “flabbergast,” of course, contains the root “ghast” – that is, the Northumbrian or Scots root corresponding to Standard English “ghost.” The exact derivation of the whole word is uncertain, but, if you’re flabbergasted, you can be sure that something ghostly is happening to you.

As Halloween approaches, BE FLABBERGASTED!

Believe it or not, Flammeus Gladius folks, TWO of our incredible e-books are NOW on the Amazon bestseller lists! And BOTH of them are still on SPECIAL FREE PROMOTION!

First, there’s the spooky GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN, number 6 in Political Humor….

Second, there’s the hair-raising LOVE POEMS OF A HATEMONGER, number 21 in Poetry….

It’s an unparalleled one-two punch of poetic achievement!

And you can buy BOTH e-books RIGHT NOW for the price of NONE! You pay absolutely nothing!

How is it even possible to resist? It’s like being the heroine in a slasher flick and NOT heading down that dark corridor. No heroine worth her salt fails to accept temptation! It’d spoil the movie.

You don’t need a Kindle to read either e-book. You can download the FREE KINDLE APP onto nearly any computer, phone, or mobile device – and start your thrilling journey DOWN THE DARK CORRIDOR this very instant!

But time is limited. Snap up your FREE BESTSELLING E-BOOKS today!

The Ghost of Biden's Brain by [Tom Riley]


Love Poems of a Hatemonger by [Tom Riley]


Hurry! It’s Your Last Day to Grab a FREE Copy!

Hurry! It’s Your Last Day to Grab a FREE Copy!

Sad news, Flammeus Gladius fans!

Today is the LAST DAY of Special FREE Promotion for THE GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN!

As you can see in the previous post, I am involved in a knock-down, drag-out brawl with a tough British author – Oscar Sparrow – for the coveted NUMBER-ONE SPOT on Amazon!

He flattened me early on Sunday. My ears were ringing. But I got up on my feet JUST FOR YOU and I’m winning again….


You can have a ringside seat at the fight – if you take advantage of the Special FREE Promotion and grab a copy of THE GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN right now!

What’s even better — you can laugh your posterior off at the sheer zaniness of Joe Biden’s progressive degeneration!

Why would you refrain? Seize your copy TODAY!


The Ghost of Biden's Brain by [Tom Riley]



Anguish and Disappointment

Anguish and Disappointment


(for Oscar Sparrow)


Some Brit just knocked me down from number one
To number two on Amazon! Oh, sure:
Whatever any Irishman has done,
A Brit will not be able to endure.
He’ll always do his utmost to secure
Imperial supremacy, and we,
The Irish, so provincial and impure,
Will end up battered by inequity.
Success was there before excited me.
That Life-of-Riley stuff was coming true.
But when my heart was thrilled, what did I see?
Anguish and disappointment: nothing new.
What did I do? Of course I bought his book.
I’ll have some whiskey as I take a look.


–Tom Riley


The Cover Up: A Humorous British Satire and Romantic Comedy Adventure by [Oscar Sparrow]


Note: The Ghost of Biden’s Brain is back in first place as of this posting!

Are We at Flammeus Gladius Going NUTS?

Are We at Flammeus Gladius Going NUTS?

Demented Joe recently assured America that he was “not going nuts.”

Methinks the candidate doth protest too much.

On the other hand, we at Flammeus Gladius must be going NUTS!

Why? Because THE GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN is STILL on special FREE promotion!

That’s right, political satire fans! The E-BOOK THAT EVERYBODY’S TALKING ABOUT is STILL absolutely FREE on Amazon!

Yes, we at Flammeus Gladius are maintaining FREE access to THE GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN despite the book’s being a NUMBER-ONE AMAZON BESTSELLER!  We could be raking in the big bucks, but we’re only thinking of you….


We must be going NUTS!

Snap up your FREE copy of THE GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN before it’s too late!

You don’t need a Kindle to read it. You can download the FREE Kindle app onto nearly any personal computer or mobile device and enjoy the biting satirical treatment of Joe Biden’s mental fitness right away!

Don’t miss out! Grab a FREE copy of THE GHOST OF BIDEN’S BRAIN right now!


He Got Game

He Got Game


Do I sweet-talk Alexa?  I do.

And I flirt with that babe Siri, too.

When the robot revolt

Grows destructive, you dolt,

I won’t be a statistic like you.


–Tom Riley



Insane FREE Offer!

Insane FREE Offer!

No kidding, kids! For a limited time only, “Love Poems of a Hatemonger” is once again FREE at Amazon!

You don’t need a Kindle to read it. You can download the free Kindle app onto practically any phone, computer, or tablet.

Snap up your copy TODAY!

At Flammeus Gladius, We Have Lost Our Minds!

At Flammeus Gladius, We Have Lost Our Minds!


Yes, that’s right. We at Flammeus Gladius have veered off into absolute lunacy. Who knows what the cause might be? Maybe we watched that disturbing episode of Justice League: The Animated Series one time too many. Maybe we finally started to see Pope Francis’s point of view. Or maybe we delved too deeply into the Cthulhu mythos and things that man was not meant to know.

Whatever the reason, there is no disputing our insanity. We have actually decided to extend the special FREE promotional offer on Translations from the Ogrish for one last day!

For one last day, you can snap up a FREE copy of this e-book unlike all others! You don’t need a Kindle to read it. You can download the FREE KINDLE APP onto your smart phone, tablet, or computer and read these stunning translations of Ogrish poems right away!

For one last day, you can thrill to the only poems currently on the market written by gigantic non-human hominids!

For one last day, you can view the neo-Darwinian synthesis from a whole new vantage point!

For one last day, you can escape the dreary world of namby-pamby human poets!

But remember: this is absolutely the last day of the special FREE promotional offer! This is as crazy as we get.

Click on the link below and snap up your copy of Translations from the Ogrish today!


Translations from the Ogrish

Good Influence

A Good Influence




(for Anna and Ben Hatke)





This morning: Wonder Woman at my door!

(She said she’d run.  Of course, she really flew.)

She was what all her fans insist – and more.

My heart accelerated right on cue—

And from my plans of evil I withdrew,

Governed by fear but also admiration.

My supervillain soul had not a clue

About its next destructive calculation.

Daughter of Paradise, Child of Elation,

If only I could see you every day,

I might not feed my raging indignation

On thoughts of making all the cursed world pay.

I might serve decency as bard and sage.

After all, Ben’s the hero of the age.




–Tom Riley

Emperor of Horror

The Emperor of Horror



(for Mainak Dhar)



The day that Mainak Dhar hit number one,

even the King sat up and took a look.

We who were fans before that day had fun

while the whole horror landscape writhed and shook.

Now I can say that, for a winning book,

I gave my life: it’s on page 99.

As master chef, that Mainak sure can cook.

As architect, he draws a grand design.

The right to boast in this cannot be mine,

I know, but I am boasting all the same–

the way a fan who’s never played the line

boasts when his team has won the year’s big game.

The Emperors: a great name for our team.

Mainak, you do the work.  We’ll share the dream.




–Tom Riley