Counter-Reparations

Counter-Reparations

Some GOP clown calls for reparations
of his own. He repeats the stupid lie
about why all those Yankees had to die.
“To free the slaves!” he says. Such obfuscations
can’t hide the fact that Lincoln’s calculations
were otherwise. Such fictions cannot fly.
Why do these propagandists even try?
Can’t they anticipate the complications?
The war was fought to crush the independence
of any state that dared to raise its head
and not just join Leviathan’s attendants.
The Yankee plan: to rule the South through dread
and subjugate fierce liberty’s descendants.
The cause of freedom afterward was dead.

–Tom Riley

Wave Goodbye

Wave Goodbye

The Red Wave didn’t happen. No surprise
To me. It was a prophecy too good
For zombies such as us to realize.
We ain’t in no triumphant neighborhood.
Progressives cheated, sure. We knew they would.
But did they need to cheat to hold at bay
The promised wave? As if mere cheating could!
Truth is that cheating’s just the game they play.
They have to keep in practice. But today
It’s clear, if it was not quite clear before,
That, ever since the Blue Boys beat the Gray,
This country’s been an unrepentant whore.
Since then, there never has been power to save
In any damn imaginary wave.

–Tom Riley

Old Marse Robert Samples Aleksandr Dugin’s Vodka and Finds It Good

Old Marse Robert Samples Aleksandr Dugin’s Vodka and Finds It Good

“Aggressive abroad and despotic at home.”

The unipolar world is at an end—
Which suits me fine. The Yankees went too far,
As Yankees always go. Now they descend.
I’m watching their imaginary star
Plummet. The tortured earth it’s sure to scar
Again – a sort of global spouse abuse.
But keep the victim handcuffed? No cigar.
Expecting that, the Yankees prove obtuse
Beyond their former measure. Fast and loose
They’ve played since 1860. For a while,
It served them well. But now, neck in the noose,
Their empire will be throttled, and in style.
And all of the disasters that we see?
Predicted by the Last of Heroes, Lee.

–Tom Riley

Nathan Bedford Forrest

Nathan Bedford Forrest

Old Marse Robert said you were the best.
Sherman said the same thing. That’s a test
Few among us could pass.
Now it’s scorn you amass
From the weak. How the culture’s progressed!

–Tom Riley

Union

Union

What was “Union”? Imperial power.
A boot eager to stomp every flower.
One of servitude’s phases
Overwrit with fine phrases.
A remote and impregnable tower.

–Tom Riley

Hey, Look!

Hey, Look!

“I’m leaving you,”
said Southern Belle.
There were no tears
yet,
but the tight-lipped expression
was full of pain.
“The magic is gone.
Besides, you’ve become
intolerably preachy
and abusive.”

Billy Yank responded
with a backhand
of industrial strength
that loosened Belle’s small white teeth
and spattered blood
in an unforgettable
pattern
all over wall and floor.

During the perfunctory
rape that followed,
Billy yawned,
displaying square
yellow chompers
the size of family bibles.
“Must preserve the union.
Hey, look!
I freed the slaves!”

–Tom Riley

If Only

If Only

If only Grant had used transgender troops,
He would have beaten Lee a whole lot quicker.
He would have pummeled all those rebel poops!
If only Grant had used transgender troops,
Though stumbling in impressive high heels – oops!—
He could have made the weary South much sicker.
If only Grant had used transgender troops,
He would have beaten Lee a whole lot quicker!

–Tom Riley

Great Men

Great Men

Lincoln: a great man? Sure: amongst the greatest!
Had anybody else been president
When word of Lee’s successes was the latest,
The mighty Union would have struck the tent.
Ain’t no doubt that’s what Old Marse Robert meant
To do with victories against the odds.
But Lincoln didn’t flee the hard event
Or reck the battlefield’s unnerving rods.
The disposition, in the end, was God’s.
Old Abe believed in God, perhaps, a bit.
Although his early generals were clods,
Grant waited in the wings and had true grit.
Thus in the net of time was Lincoln caught—
A different sort of great man than we’re taught.

–Tom Riley

Concise Guide to the New Symbolism of the Damn Yankee Flag

A Concise Guide to the New Symbolism of the Damn Yankee Flag

“I hates their stripèd banner.
I fit it all I could.”

The land of
the woke and the home
of the masked.

–Tom Riley

Battle-Hardened

Battle-Hardened

What battles has this scarecrow soldier won?
He gave our guys a woke curriculum!
What other liars failed to do, he’s done.
What battles has this scarecrow soldier won?
He doesn’t need to win no battles, son!
Your emphasis on such grows wearisome.
What battles has this scarecrow soldier won?
He gave our guys a woke curriculum!

–Tom Riley

(Professional Lee detractor Ty Seidule is also senior editor of The West Point Guide to Gender and War.)