Gospel According to Shea

The Gospel According to Shea

 
In all the gospels Mark Shea recognizes,
Jesus says: “Shea’s the poor, so give him money!
Finance his jelly donuts, milk, and honey!
Finance his underwear’s increasing sizes!”
Yes, this is what Our Blessed Lord advises,
Affirming that Mark Shea is wise and funny.
Toward Shea, Christ’s constant attitude is sunny.
When punks say, “Get a job,” Christ’s anger rises.
No, this is not in Matthew, Mark, or Luke.
It’s not in John – nor anything you’ve read
Aside from Shea’s own works, which make most puke.
Screw all those guys – and read Mark Shea instead!
Fill the tin cup he holds – or you’re a kook!
The truest Christ lives only in Shea’s head.

 
–Tom Riley

 

Renewable Resource

Renewable Resource

 

COVID-19 is spreading everywhere,
But all Mark Shea can think about is money.
His big red face is overgrown with hair.
He thinks that he is scholarly and funny.
He thinks his every oral fart should earn
His weight in gold and gems and other treasure.
And that’s a lot of weight! The world must learn
To pay him for his arrogance past measure.
The really entertaining thing is this:
Some idiots are absolutely willing
To pucker up for such a costly kiss.
He makes a buck, though not his longed-for killing.
Few things are more incredible than that.
If only he could monetize his fat!

 

–Tom Riley

 

Monetization

Monetization

 

Mr. Shea’s shaping sly verbal traps
For your wealth. Amongst Patreon chaps,
He’s more beggar than most—
And more likely to boast.
Weighed down thus, Patreon may collapse.

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

Higher Altruism

The Higher Altruism

 

Unlike you whiny white Caucasian creeps,
The archetypal hero named Mark Shea
Embodies deep concern that never sleeps.
His charitable thoughts go out all day
And night – to others, in a Christian way!
Well, yes: though only technically, he’s white
As well. But that’s a nasty thing to say
To one who keeps the colored folks in sight
With fondness! All you racists on the right
Think citing facts can undermine Shea’s glory.
Your hearts are selfish, and your points are trite.
Mark Shea will tell his own resplendent story!
He thinks of others – and his thoughts are sunny
When that’s to his advantage. Send him money.

 

–Tom Riley

(Shameless faux-Viking beggar Mark Shea decries whiny whites who think only of themselves.)

Coronavirus Begging

Coronavirus Begging

 
Mark Shea’s begging again. No surprise.
To him, no social distance applies.
No! The fat, lazy fuck
Begs for buck after buck.
It is time that you paid for his lies.

 
–Tom Riley

Tin Cup Revisited

Tin Cup Revisited

 

 

“Mrs. Shea needs a roof overhead!”

Whines the big mouthy fairy.  Instead

Of performing real work,

He just begs.  What a jerk!

Anyhow, it is clear he’s well fed.

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

Beggar at the Feet of a Gracious Trump

Beggar at the Feet of a Gracious Trump

 

Mark Shea’s impatient for his check from Trump.
Shea can’t stand Trump but needs that money bad.
Shea sits upon his vast, inactive rump—
And boasts, and begs, and drives his readers mad,
And never does a real day’s work. It’s sad
How little dignity that swine maintains.
This virus is the greatest chance he’s had
To score some bucks while taking zero pains.
Others may work with backs and hands and brains—
But such has never been the plan of Shea.
Only entitlement at last remains
To him – and he insists on it all day.
Is Orange Man bad? Of course – but, what the heck,
The money’s green! Hey, Trump: where’s Mark Shea’s check?

 

–Tom Riley

 

Conversion Experience

Conversion Experience

The phony convert sneers at sacraments.
They never helped him prosper in his role
Of beggar. No, he never had a sense
That spiritual things comprised a whole,
That comprehending them should be his goal,
That anything but stuffing his fat face
Could matter. His vast belly is the soul
That he esteems. Hey, you! Get back in place—
For experts say your faith is a disgrace
If it defies the panic of the hour
And threatens glutton Shea’s unholy race!
Behind a screen, like him, you have to cower.
The headlines list significant events.
React to them – and screw your sacraments!

–Tom Riley

 

(Pretend Catholic Mark Shea flips a fat middle finger at those who want sacraments.)

Prophetic

Prophetic

Is Shea prophetic once again today?
Well, fasting in the desert ain’t his thing.
Self-abnegation’s not a game he’ll play.
He’s never really cared for hunger’s sting.
The imprecations that he loves to sing,
However, seem to please the crowd of cunts
Who follow him. His smugness he will bring
To bear in prose that proves that he’s a dunce—
And, swiftly, far too many mental runts
Will hail his brilliance and his righteousness.
Though warned about false prophets more than once,
They will embrace that fat slob nonetheless.
His wrath is slack. His humor isn’t funny.
Yet still he wins approval. Please send money.

–Tom Riley

Tin Cup

Tin Cup

The tin cup? Mark Shea shakes it once again.
He needs more shekels, fools, for his next trip.
When his ass begs for funds, you say amen.
When he collects enough, he’ll let her rip!
This isn’t your first gift? He’ll double-dip.
Apologetics ain’t an easy field.
If he can’t get the funds required, he’ll flip.
His righteous wrath will not then be concealed.
Still, if you give, your inner wounds are healed.
This is a pro-life issue. That’s a fact!
To wise Pope Francis, Mark Shea has appealed.
Oh, Mark’s in need! You can’t say it’s an act.
Against your gullibility he’s twerking.
It isn’t dignified – but it beats working.

–Tom Riley