Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: Bill Clinton

Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

A Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

“Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator.”
I said it once – but, really, is it true?
Back then, I put such questions off till later—
As jeering satirists must often do.
Fat Boy, who never had the slightest clue,
Insulted Tulsi Gabbard, who’s a fox.
I stuck up for that goddess right on cue.
I figured Shea had merited hard knocks.
As Stoicism teaches, calmness rocks—
And now I’m calm. What say you, Mr. Shea?
Is nasty right-wing bigotry a box
That you escape by watching guys gone gay?
Is chronic self-abuse your chosen tonic?
“Depends on what you mean,” he says, “by chronic.”

–Tom Riley

(Once again, de rigueur, I am not here literally asserting that this particular vice should be added to Shea’s public list — just that its mention conveys metaphorically something about his essential character. No, the Self-Proclaimed Archetypal Hero didn’t really answer as in line 14, or give any answer at all. He seldom does — probably because he’s been told I want him to challenge me to a duel, so that I can choose lethal weapons. We share a common vacation spot — Lopez Island, Washington — so there is a convenient site for his fortuitous defeat in mortal combat. Ha! Shea doesn’t even want to fight a duel in the sonneteering realm! He’d get his oversized posterior booted hard on that island, too.)

He Did Not Have Sex with That Woman, Ms. Fang!

He Did Not Have Sex with That Woman, Ms. Fang!

 

“I did not fuck that hot Chinese spy!”
Swalwell, Clintonesque, tells us. “No lie!
I played bent-over lad
To the strap-on she had.
Thus, the one who was entered was I.”

 

–Tom Riley

Judge Sullivan

Judge Sullivan

 

Clinton judge wants to get Clinton foe
Really bad – and continues the show
That was almost shut down.
Is he tyrant or clown?
Neither role is a role he’ll forgo.

 

–Tom Riley

 

Emmet G. Sullivan 2012.jpg

Dissimilar

Dissimilar

“The parties aren’t the same,” John Harwood tweets
And I agree. The Democrats by far
Are worse, promoting sex with a cigar
And every appetite for anal sweets.
The fool the little guy, then serve elites.
They cry: “You threw an ice cube in a bar!
Your moral standards, punk, are under par!”
Then they make beast with minors under sheets.
And, as for lying, Mr. Harwood, sir,
Why bring it up? I’m startled that you can
With a straight face. The nation is astir
With anger. Every woman, every man,
Oh, everyone expects lies to occur!
Obama lied. I couldn’t keep my plan.

–Tom Riley

Oral Arguments

Oral Arguments

 

Lisa Page, Esquire’s oral arguments
Were offered in the court of Peter’s pants.
That’s where their sessions tended to advance
Naturally in the order of events.
These star-crossed lovers shared a heartfelt sense
That they were Clinton people not by chance
But by necessity — so their romance
Should be a Clinton one. Hey! No offense—
But I contend that this was a mistake.
Oh, love’s a drug — and judgment’s what it numbs!
Of course she hungered to relieve his ache.
She sucked so much she often needed Tums.
But parts aside from hearts can also break.
See what his seed inflicted on her gums?

 

—Tom Riley

Fox News Gets It All Wrong

Fox News Gets It All Wrong

 

 

How tenderly she mouthed Bill’s herpes stick!
What an exalted dream it was to be
Involved, if only temporarily,
In such a ritual of munch and lick
With such a president! She turned no trick.
This was no act of empty venery.
No, it was love — as all her fans agree!
If any creep says otherwise, he’s sick.
Did JFK choose Marilyn Monroe
As proper movie star with whom to sleep?
Why, then, Bill’s choice of Monica as hoe
Proceeded from affection warm and deep!
Offered his organ, how could she not blow?
But Roger Ailes? He made it all sound cheap!

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Monica Lewinsky blames late Roger Ailes for embarrassment over presidential blowjob.)

Lewdness

Lewdness

 

 

“More lewd comments of Trump’s come to light.

To his candidacy say good night!

He’s offensive and crude!”

“Isn’t Bill Clinton lewd?”

“Hey, that’s Bill’s private business, all right?”

 

 

–Tom Riley

Apology for My Absurd Scenario

Apology for My Absurd Scenario

 

 

“Why do you mock our former president?
How do you dare suggest absurdities
such as a speedy oral-sex event?
Loretta doesn’t go down on her knees!
If in his case her ego sought to please,
then she would serve him with a sweetheart deal
and lots of ill-defined immunities.
That is a prosecutor’s true appeal!”
Well, right you are! I know it isn’t real,
my hastily-arranged scenario.
With her, of course, he used another spiel.
He only asked deceptive winds to blow.
It’s clear that no Lewinsky was in store.
Nevertheless, she’s twenty times the whore.

 

 

–Tom Riley

Charming Billy

Charming Billy

 

 

On Loretta Lynch, Bill worked his charms.
In her dazzled head, she missed alarms
that she ought to have heard.
And his place, in a word,
was between her lips, not in her arms.

 

 

–Tom Riley

Private Meeting

Private Meeting

 

 

They talked grandkids and such? Made no trades
in the quid-pro-quo realm? Scandal fades
when we hear such accounts.
Up a tree, we can’t pounce.
But I hope that he gave the bitch AIDS.

 

 

–Tom Riley