How to Beat Russian Orcs after Goatfuckers Give You Swirlies

How to Beat Russian Orcs after Goatfuckers Give You Swirlies

Fag generals who took it up the ass
In far Afghanistan grow critical.
The Russian military cannot pass
Their tests. Those Russky orcs are terrible
At soldiering – whereas the wonderful
Ukrainians are trained by us to show
Respect for every gender and give skull
To every tranny officer they know.
It isn’t how you fight: it’s whom you blow!
Austin and Milley promulgate this rule—
For Pentagonians would have it so.
Wokeness is not a waste: it’s super cool!
Cisgendered males are nowadays old news.
That is why Putin’s men are sure to lose.

–Tom Riley

Getting Hammered in Pelosi-Land

Getting Hammered in Pelosi-Land

Bi-guy Paul’s extramarital tryst
Went awry. But now leftists insist
It was sheer MAGA hate
That assailed Nancy’s mate.
Opportunity must not be missed.

–Tom Riley

Rough Trade

Rough Trade

Paul Pelosi first fished for rough trade,
Then became, as is common, afraid—
So he summoned the cops.
Bottoms thus become tops.
Other guy got arrested, not paid.

–Tom Riley

Remarkable Journey of Frederick Wilson

The Remarkable Journey of Frederick Wilson

Frederick was abbreviated “Rick”
Instead of “Fred.” That truly was step one.
But, when in bathroom stall he first sucked dick,
Rick Wilson then advanced his course – a ton!
Yes, polishing another sort of gun
Affected him in ways that went real deep:
It was transformative, not simply fun.
Calling that thrill to mind, he couldn’t sleep.
Transition surgery is far from cheap.
The Lincoln Project, though, made money fast.
Rick sowed indeed, so now he gets to reap:
He’ll cease to be bald-headed, hairy-assed.
Instead, he’ll be George Conway’s little chickie.
Hey, world: be positive! Say hi to Rikki!

–Tom Riley

(This is the before picture. Rikki owns the copyright on all the after pictures.)

Our Generals

Our Generals

Our generals – who fled Afghanistan
In lame and idiotic disarray;
Who earnestly believe that, born a man,
A soldier can get surgery and say:
“I’m woman, hear me roar;” who daily play
The game of ceding space to every crank;
Who like their chessboards one uncheckered gray;
Who have their bribes already in the bank—
Our generals are wankers. And they wank
Whenever they express dismissive views
Of Russia. Dominatrix colonels spank
Our generals, who utter ah’s and ooh’s.
Then Fox News calls them up for expert gab.
Goatfuckers whip them, sure – but can they blab!

–Tom Riley

Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

A Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

“Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator.”
I said it once – but, really, is it true?
Back then, I put such questions off till later—
As jeering satirists must often do.
Fat Boy, who never had the slightest clue,
Insulted Tulsi Gabbard, who’s a fox.
I stuck up for that goddess right on cue.
I figured Shea had merited hard knocks.
As Stoicism teaches, calmness rocks—
And now I’m calm. What say you, Mr. Shea?
Is nasty right-wing bigotry a box
That you escape by watching guys gone gay?
Is chronic self-abuse your chosen tonic?
“Depends on what you mean,” he says, “by chronic.”

–Tom Riley

(Once again, de rigueur, I am not here literally asserting that this particular vice should be added to Shea’s public list — just that its mention conveys metaphorically something about his essential character. No, the Self-Proclaimed Archetypal Hero didn’t really answer as in line 14, or give any answer at all. He seldom does — probably because he’s been told I want him to challenge me to a duel, so that I can choose lethal weapons. We share a common vacation spot — Lopez Island, Washington — so there is a convenient site for his fortuitous defeat in mortal combat. Ha! Shea doesn’t even want to fight a duel in the sonneteering realm! He’d get his oversized posterior booted hard on that island, too.)

Treason Trial

Treason Trial

In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)
His keyboard cry is, “Death to the invader!”
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor!
Being a chronic gay porn masturbator,
He feels his sissy neurons slip away.
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)

–Tom Riley

(Line 5: Not a literal allegation, but arguably true in a figurative sense. The satirist here of course has no more evidence that Mark Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator than Shea himself has that Tulsi Gabbard is a traitor. And, if evidence of Shea’s degraded habits actually surfaced, we’d all try to avoid looking at it.)

Winner of the Dance-Off

Winner of the Dance-Off

Zelensky dances charmingly in heels—
And thus must be victorious at last.
Behind his nation’s many shady deals,
Zelensky dances charmingly in heels
And to our deep state perverts he appeals.
Putin, who’s bald, is thoroughly outclassed.
Zelensky dances charmingly in heels—
And thus must be victorious at last.

–Tom Riley

Flip a Coin

Flip a Coin

Oh, which is Father Conroy – sodomite
Or catamite? The Jesuits flip coins
Nowadays, keeping options well in sight.
Oh, which is Father Conroy – sodomite
Or soft, submissive butthole? Hey, the night
Is not yet scripted in his ass or loins!
Oh, which is Father Conroy – sodomite
Or catamite? The Jesuits flip coins.

–Tom Riley

Model Rebel

A Model Rebel

To fashionable idols he kowtows,
Insisting he’s a model rebel still.
He goes for bestial sex with sacred cows.
To fashionable idols he kowtows.
Before their hierophants he boldly bows.
If toady looks could kill, then his would kill.
To fashionable idols he kowtows,
Insisting he’s a model rebel still.

–Tom Riley