Captain Gaymerica

Captain Gaymerica

“What we need is a hero who’s gay—
So let red, white, and blue Cap sashay
Across super-woke stages
That fill 4-color pages!”
You won’t sell many comics that way.

–Tom Riley

Captain Shamerica

Captain Shamerica

Has Chris Evans called out Lindsey Graham?
Wow! Cap’s proving that he gives a damn!
Cap, you’re making us ill.
You’re a mere showgirl still
And as pundit an obvious sham.

–Tom Riley

Captain Playactor

Captain Playactor

 

 

Cap’s big head just got bigger — and lighter.
On his own line the prick is a biter–
and has reeled himself in.
Let correction begin!
You’re an actor, dear sir, not a fighter.

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Chris Evans hopes he “runs into” ex-Marine Nathan Damigo.)

Avengers Disassembled

Avengers Disassembled

 

 

Joss Whedon called Avengers to assemble.
Clintonites ruled that Marvel superteam.
But did the threatened bad guy start to tremble?
Not in the least. He hardly stopped to deem
Their challenge worthy of response. A beam
From Iron Man’s amazing high-tech hand
Had no effect – and Hulk strength, it would seem,
Was feeble in the face of what was planned
By neurons so nefarious. Unmanned,
Captain America and even Thor
Tasted defeat they failed to understand.
Black Widow too, that pretty little whore,
Sat helpless on her all-attractive rump.
They’d been crushed by the supervillain Trump.

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Joss Whedon’s failed ad for Hillary featured “Avengers” actors.)

Absent Hero

The Absent Hero

 

 

(for Michael Sciambra)

 

 

Bailey, Patricia: they’re heroic there.

Michelle and Chad: yes, they’re heroic, too.

Cause trouble?  Hey, a villain wouldn’t dare!

But, mighty Michael Sciambra, where are you?

You’re doing – doubtlessly – what heroes do.

You’re out there on the mean streets, fighting crime.

The villains to resist you aren’t just few:

They simply don’t exist in space and time.

Above established standards now you climb—

And brilliant Batman’s cheering: “Way to go!”

The dirty streets don’t touch you with their grime.

You move fast – and you’re always in the know.

It’s better, Michael, that you beat the crooks—

Rather than risk transcendent Bailey’s looks.

 

 

 

 

–Tom Riley