Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: Catholic bloggers

Normals

Normals

“The Normals” is what Fat Boy calls his crew
Of mindless drones, conventional as shit
Fresh from huge bovine asses. Me and you?
We are excluded, folks. We just don’t fit.
This sad truth now I hasten to admit.
I don’t have tons of suet at my waist.
Shirt off, I don’t display tit next to tit.
When I shave close, I am not Innsmouth-faced.
And, worst of all, my literary taste
Is not erected on a normal bed
Of ignorance. That ground has been erased
By study, which I’ve long preferred instead.
Yet set aside such unavailing fact!
Smugness in Normalland remains intact.

–Tom Riley

(Without the facial fur, Mark Shea clearly displays the Innsmouth look.)

Tale of a Chubby Cheerleader

Tale of a Chubby Cheerleader

Mark Shea the Bogus Catholic’s A-okay
With cheering on abortion as a right.
His loyalty he’s happy to display.
At last, he’s seen the baby-killing light—
And with those who have not he’ll gladly fight
Online, though fisticuffs are not his deal.
The great big picture now he keeps in sight.
If you object, he snorts and says: “Get real!”
Before Joe Biden he is proud to kneel—
Though maybe Brainless Joe won’t stoop so low
As to sniff such a head or cop a feel
Of flabby pansy flesh presented so.
Nevertheless, Shea offers firm support
For the right, now held sacred, to abort.

–Tom Riley

Mark Shea the Science Gay

Mark Shea the Science Gay

Now every Saturday the fat fraud Shea
Posts someone else’s stuff addressing “science”
In superficial terms. His sad display
Of gee-whiz fanboy shit, and his reliance
On others: both are signs supremely clear
That utter ignorance is his condition
And uncommitted blathering his sphere.
Of course, crass self-promotion is his mission.
He hasn’t read through Darwin. That’s for sure.
Nevertheless, he’ll crow for “evolution.”
For such vile vanity, is there a cure?
Can facts fix such a bogus constitution?
For these impossibilities don’t seek!
He’s guilty of small science – and less Greek.

–Tom Riley

Noise and Stench

Noise and Stench

“What is that noise, that stench?  Is that a fart?

Who on earth could have flatulence so gross?”

“Sir, that’s Mark Shea pretending to be smart.

Of obfuscation, he has made an art—

Or so he thinks, supremely adipose.”

“What is that noise, that stench?  Is that a fart?”

“The horse that he has placed behind the cart

Is elephantine.  Here’s another dose,

Sir!  That’s Mark Shea pretending to be smart!

The whole is truly smaller than the part

When judged by neurons so damn otiose.”

“What is that noise, that stench?  Is that a fart?

It nails the nostrils, and it hurts the heart!

What soul can bear to have such smells so close?”

“Sir:  that’s Mark Shea pretending to be smart.

Don’t strive to understand.  Don’t even start.

.Ο λόγος του δεν ειναι λογικός”

“What is that noise, that stench?  Is that a fart?”

“Sir… that’s Mark Shea pretending to be smart.”

–Tom Riley

Athwart the Tide

Athwart the Tide

Look! Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight!
He’s showing off the flesh of which he’s proud.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate.

Abortion rights in every damn red state
He will defend – and never give a cowed
Look. Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight:

He’s looking pretty and he’s feeling great.
He’d also like to say he’s well endowed.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate,

Making advances at a stunning rate.
Under is how his foes will soon be plowed.
Look: Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight.

He’s back in fighting trim. His every trait
Prepares him to maintain the vows he’s vowed.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate—

And victory is sure to be his fate.
He says it openly. He says it loud.
Look! Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight!
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate.

–Tom Riley

Exemplary Generosity

Exemplary Generosity

“I’m generous with other people’s money,
And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage!”
Says Mark P. Shea, who doesn’t think it’s funny.
“I’m generous with other people’s money,
And therefore I deserve both milk and honey.
I am the Pastry Prophet of the Age!
I’m generous with other people’s money—
And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage.”

–Tom Riley

Fat-Ass White Savior Done Saved the Black Folk Again!

Fat-Ass White Savior Done Saved the Black Folk Again!

A new commandment Shea bestows on us:
“Thou shalt be woke and shalt not mock the woke!”
It follows that we must not make a joke
That Shea does not approve of. On our bus,
He’s now a Freedom Rider! Don’t discuss
How dated is his posture here, nor choke
On his self-righteousness! Wrapped in a cloak
Of many colors, he’s dead serious.
He loves the Black Experience. He does!
There’s never been a savior quite as white
As he is. He transcends red facial fuzz
And honky intonations. Dyn-o-mite!
He cries with a decided nasal buzz.
But still, you Negroes think he’s peachy, right?

–Tom Riley

Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

A Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

“Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator.”
I said it once – but, really, is it true?
Back then, I put such questions off till later—
As jeering satirists must often do.
Fat Boy, who never had the slightest clue,
Insulted Tulsi Gabbard, who’s a fox.
I stuck up for that goddess right on cue.
I figured Shea had merited hard knocks.
As Stoicism teaches, calmness rocks—
And now I’m calm. What say you, Mr. Shea?
Is nasty right-wing bigotry a box
That you escape by watching guys gone gay?
Is chronic self-abuse your chosen tonic?
“Depends on what you mean,” he says, “by chronic.”

–Tom Riley

(Once again, de rigueur, I am not here literally asserting that this particular vice should be added to Shea’s public list — just that its mention conveys metaphorically something about his essential character. No, the Self-Proclaimed Archetypal Hero didn’t really answer as in line 14, or give any answer at all. He seldom does — probably because he’s been told I want him to challenge me to a duel, so that I can choose lethal weapons. We share a common vacation spot — Lopez Island, Washington — so there is a convenient site for his fortuitous defeat in mortal combat. Ha! Shea doesn’t even want to fight a duel in the sonneteering realm! He’d get his oversized posterior booted hard on that island, too.)

Treason Trial

Treason Trial

In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)
His keyboard cry is, “Death to the invader!”
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor!
Being a chronic gay porn masturbator,
He feels his sissy neurons slip away.
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)

–Tom Riley

(Line 5: Not a literal allegation, but arguably true in a figurative sense. The satirist here of course has no more evidence that Mark Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator than Shea himself has that Tulsi Gabbard is a traitor. And, if evidence of Shea’s degraded habits actually surfaced, we’d all try to avoid looking at it.)

Mr. Shea’s Heroic Day

Mr. Shea’s Heroic Day

“As archetypal hero,” says Mark Shea,
“I myself am repelling Putin’s forces
At an amazing rate. Please shout hurray
As I knock jets and missiles off their courses!
I have the strength of twenty-seven horses
Here in my manly and attractive frame.
Zelensky unequivocally endorses
My efforts – and he celebrates my name!”
Okay. Shea hasn’t really said this. Shame
On me, the satirist who dares suggest
He has! But is it wilder than his claim
To be the arbiter of what is best
In troubling international relations—
Or worse than all his Twitter fulminations?

–Tom Riley