“I’m generous with other people’s money, And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage!” Says Mark P. Shea, who doesn’t think it’s funny. “I’m generous with other people’s money, And therefore I deserve both milk and honey. I am the Pastry Prophet of the Age! I’m generous with other people’s money— And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage.”
Fat-Ass White Savior Done Saved the Black Folk Again!
A new commandment Shea bestows on us: “Thou shalt be woke and shalt not mock the woke!” It follows that we must not make a joke That Shea does not approve of. On our bus, He’s now a Freedom Rider! Don’t discuss How dated is his posture here, nor choke On his self-righteousness! Wrapped in a cloak Of many colors, he’s dead serious. He loves the Black Experience. He does! There’s never been a savior quite as white As he is. He transcends red facial fuzz And honky intonations. Dyn-o-mite! He cries with a decided nasal buzz. But still, you Negroes think he’s peachy, right?
A Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations
“Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator.” I said it once – but, really, is it true? Back then, I put such questions off till later— As jeering satirists must often do. Fat Boy, who never had the slightest clue, Insulted Tulsi Gabbard, who’s a fox. I stuck up for that goddess right on cue. I figured Shea had merited hard knocks. As Stoicism teaches, calmness rocks— And now I’m calm. What say you, Mr. Shea? Is nasty right-wing bigotry a box That you escape by watching guys gone gay? Is chronic self-abuse your chosen tonic? “Depends on what you mean,” he says, “by chronic.”
(Once again, de rigueur, I am not here literally asserting that this particular vice should be added to Shea’s public list — just that its mention conveys metaphorically something about his essential character. No, the Self-Proclaimed Archetypal Hero didn’t really answer as in line 14, or give any answer at all. He seldom does — probably because he’s been told I want him to challenge me to a duel, so that I can choose lethal weapons. We share a common vacation spot — Lopez Island, Washington — so there is a convenient site for his fortuitous defeat in mortal combat. Ha! Shea doesn’t even want to fight a duel in the sonneteering realm! He’d get his oversized posterior booted hard on that island, too.)
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor. (He has no principles he could betray.) His keyboard cry is, “Death to the invader!” In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor! Being a chronic gay porn masturbator, He feels his sissy neurons slip away. In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor. (He has no principles he could betray.)
(Line 5: Not a literal allegation, but arguably true in a figurative sense. The satirist here of course has no more evidence that Mark Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator than Shea himself has that Tulsi Gabbard is a traitor. And, if evidence of Shea’s degraded habits actually surfaced, we’d all try to avoid looking at it.)
“As archetypal hero,” says Mark Shea, “I myself am repelling Putin’s forces At an amazing rate. Please shout hurray As I knock jets and missiles off their courses! I have the strength of twenty-seven horses Here in my manly and attractive frame. Zelensky unequivocally endorses My efforts – and he celebrates my name!” Okay. Shea hasn’t really said this. Shame On me, the satirist who dares suggest He has! But is it wilder than his claim To be the arbiter of what is best In troubling international relations— Or worse than all his Twitter fulminations?
Shea’s heart is with the people of Ukraine. The fat therein could feed them for a week. Shea’s solidarity he can’t contain: Shea’s heart is with the people of Ukraine! Of that, I’m sure, Zelensky won’t complain. There are no vital assets left to seek. Shea’s heart is with the people of Ukraine. The fat therein could feed them for a week.
Shea is stupid. Of this there’s no doubt. Stupid things he’s determined to shout— Or to tweet. Never ends! When the Judgment impends, Will the plea, “I’m a fool,” help him out?
Note on the Text
I’m not on Facebook or Twitter anymore, so I don’t see the little verbal twitches that constitute Mark Shea’s reason for existence. But readers of this blog send me screen shots when they’re particularly incensed by his attacks on reason and common human decency. Two recent ones made me briefly consider that Shea might be a hypocrite, destined for the Eighth Circle of Hell according to Dante. But then I reconsidered. Maybe Shea doesn’t have the brains to be hypocritical.
The last shall be first and the first shall be last – so here’s the second tweet sent to me by a real Catholic:
Shea here is attacking Canada’s trucker convoy – at the very moment when Justin Trudeau was unleashing a totalitarian putsch against brave Canadian citizens trying to stand up to ridiculous mask and vaccine mandates. These mandates give Shea more of a thrill than his hypothetical rectal vibrator. I’ll delve into the details a little later. The main point is that comparing Trudeau’s totalitarian actions to Nazi totalitarian actions is not okay according to Shea.
Here’s the first tweet – posted a little over two weeks before:
The point here is that the GOP may take advantage of Brainless Joe Biden’s dementia displays to win the midterm elections – and they shouldn’t… because they’re Nazis!
The hypocrisy is pretty clear, right? In the mind of Shea, it’s plain crazy to compare Trudeau’s totalitarianism to Nazi totalitarianism, and it disqualifies you from being taken seriously the way Fat Boy needs to be taken seriously. Don’t be silly, you Canadian truckers! But it’s A-okay to compare the GOP in this country to Nazis, or even to say that they are Nazis. Indeed, in other venues, Shea has called the Canadian truckers themselves Nazis. There are very few ideological opponents that he hasn’t called Nazis. Hypocritical rhetoric, yes?
The thing is, though, I’m beginning to doubt that Fat Boy can even see the self-contradiction. The two propositions – “It’s wrong to call your ideological opponents Nazis” and “Shea’s ideological opponents are Nazis” – loiter arm and arm in his skull, and he sees no conflict at all.
He may actually be that stupid.
I do need to note here that I don’t think Trudeau is a Nazi. He’s more of a Commie. But really he’s just a leftist globalist intent on a new brand of pansy tyranny.
Shea, of course, doesn’t really know anything about Nazi Germany – or about history in general. He once maintained that the only evidence for Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul was Caesar’s own self-promoting book. But Shea does like to pretend.
Note the reference to self-pity – a recent obsession of Shea’s, and an obvious function of projection. Shea once whined that he was “trying to say yes to God” and “widely hated” on that account. Boo-hoo.
Note furthermore the reference to spreading COVID. Fat Boy apparently still thinks that the COVID vaccines prevent transmission, though it’s been admitted since July of last year that they don’t. I myself caught COVID on Christmas Eve from a relative who had been fully vaccinated and boosted. Almost everyone else in the room caught it, too. I won’t cry about it, Shea fashion, because it wasn’t at all a big deal. I worked out for at least a half-hour every day that I had the disease. And I remain unvaccinated. Pope Francis, go collect your thirty pieces of silver from Chairman Xi.
Fat Boy might fear a different experience with COVID. Though we’re both the same age, he is… well… grossly obese. That makes him especially vulnerable.
And you all have to get the vaccine that doesn’t work or he’ll hold his breath and turn blue!
At Sidney’s Catholic Weekly, they adore Unsightly blobs that fake vain Catholic gab While keeping only ignorance in store. At Sidney’s Catholic Weekly, they adore What every faithful Christian should abhor. It’s possible they can’t see past the flab At Sidney’s Catholic Weekly. They adore Unsightly blobs that fake vain Catholic gab!
If Chesterton and Lewis had a say, They would not let Mark Shea rip off their stuff In his foul, grasping, mercenary way. If Chesterton and Lewis had a say, They’d have him fill his pages day by day With his own words – which are not good enough If Chesterton and Lewis had a say, They would not let Mark Shea rip off their stuff.
(Note: Without the ill-applied extended quotations from G.K. Chesterton and C.S. Lewis in Mark Shea’s potboiler on Catholic social teaching, the remaining text would fit on one side of a 3×5 card. Well, maybe both sides….)