Ukraine’s Lifeguard

Ukraine’s Lifeguard

Looks like Comrade
Kornpopov is harder to scare
than Corn Pop.

–Tom Riley

Biden Triumphant

Biden Triumphant

Yes, Joe is going to beat this COVID thing—
The same way that he beat the Taliban
And Corn Pop. He’s already triumphing!
Yes, Joe is going to beat this COVID thing!
He must be hailed as anti-COVID king!
Victory laps will follow. Come on, man!
Yes, Joe is going to beat this COVID thing
The same way that he beat the Taliban!

–Tom Riley

No Great Loss

No Great Loss

 

Poor Joe’s neurons are now lifeless gruel—
But he’s always in fact been a fool,
Not a sage nor a wit.
He was one stupid shit
When he kicked Corn Pop out of that pool.

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

 

 

 

And the Winner Is….

And the Winner Is….

 

At every White House séance Corn Pop shows:
“Hey, Joe, how come you tell that fuckin’ lie?”
Because he’d been insulted, as God knows,
At every White House séance Corn Pop shows
His limitless unhappiness with Joe’s
Dishonesty. “I whipped you, lifeguard guy!”
At every White House séance Corn Pop shows:
“Hey, Joe, how come you tell that fuckin’ lie?”

 

–Tom Riley

 

Cornpoppery

Cornpoppery

 

’Twas Biden – or demented Joe—
Who told this loony lifeguard tale.
He dealt with gangsta types, you know:
He couldn’t let his manhood fail.

“Beware the Roman gang, my lad—
Their razor blades, their tempers hot!
Beware that Corn Pop cat: he bad!
A man for slighting he is not!”

The leader, he defied a rule.
Joe couldn’t stand a rule defied.
“Hey, Esther Williams, that ain’t cool.”
Said Corn Pop: “We’ll see you outside!”

Joe asked: “How shall I deal with blacks?
I find the answer in my brain!
When faced with razor blade attacks,
It’s smart to bring a heavy chain!”

Confronted with the emblem of
A servile past, the thug backed down.
He and his homeys learned to love
Caucasian Joe from toe to crown.

“Have I now reestablished my
Imperative supremacy?
Oh, what a hairy-legged guy
I am indeed! Hurray for me!”

Dear Negroes: please don’t take offense
At Joe’s weird crap. Just laugh instead.
This tale contains no real events.
It only happened in Joe’s head.

 

–Tom Riley

 

Problem-Solving Ability

Problem-Solving Ability

 

You object to the story in vain.

Biden had to resort to a chain!

Though to peace all aspire,

Circumstances were dire.

Plus, Joe never had much of a brain.

 

–Tom Riley

Joe Biden Chains Negroes

Joe Biden Chains Negroes

 

“With his chain, Biden won some respect

From the gang leader Corn Pop, correct?

Story’s true.  Ain’t no lie.

Joe’s a really tough guy!”

Is that irony, sir, I detect?

 

–Tom Riley

 

Sound of the Man Working on the Chain Gang

The Sound of the Man Working on the Chain Gang

 

How do you make a black friend?  Bring a chain!

Joe Biden did, and everything worked out

Just fine.  So that’s a rule we must maintain:

How do you make a black friend?  Bring a chain.

Joe’s threats against that Corn Pop guy – a pain

Right in Joe’s ass! – succeeded.  Do you doubt?

How do you make a black friend?  Bring a chain!

Joe Biden did – and everything worked out!

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Biden story recommends chains and threats as best way of dealing with black guys.)