Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: donuts

Elite Attitude

Elite Attitude

“I have joined,” says Mark Shea, “the elites.
They admire all my sly leftist tweets.
I’m elite. See the signs:
Though I don’t drink fine wines,
I’m a glutton for higher-priced sweets!”

–Tom Riley

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Donuts in the Desert

Donuts in the Desert

 

“His food was locusts and wild honey.”

 

The Prophet Shea will not make do
With locusts and wild honey.
He needs four meals – and twelve snacks, too!
The Prophet Shea will not make do
With desert fare, St. John, like you.
Such thoughts are far from funny.
The Prophet Shea will not make do
With locusts and wild honey.

 

–Tom Riley

 

Still Not Gay

Still Not Gay

Shea’s not gay. Those accounts are all spurious—
And they’re making our hero plain furious.
Buddy, watch what you say!
Shea insists he’s not gay.
Shea’s not gay – just a little bit curious.

–Tom Riley

In Angulis Platearum

In Angulis Platearum

Shea’s trying really hard to say that yes
To God. What’s more, he wants us all to know
How hard he’s really trying. What a show
He makes of it! How Pharisees progress!
Street corners were the ticket to success
In former times. Today, though, stages grow.
The Internet lets hundreds – thousands! – know
That Shea’s an earnest Christian, more or less.
Give me a break from such attention whores!
My gaze has pierced the artificial mist
That shields false witnesses and drooling bores.
Sorry excuse, this lame apologist!
His belly is the god that he adores,
And cream-filled donuts are his eucharist.

–Tom Riley

(Dog-hater and notorious glutton Mark Shea tries really hard – and advertises, too!)

Leader of the Cult

Leader of the Cult

 

As leader of the Donut Cult, Mark Shea
Is seething with sheer fury at the guns
You dare to own. You know: those phallic ones
That make him feel inadequate all day
And through long nights of failure. Go away,
You cordite creeps, and take your strapping sons
With you! Shea’s efficacious orisons
Will soon undo the evil NRA!
Donuts are better emblems finally.
They’re soft – like all the pussies, cunts, and sweeties
Who join Shea’s cult. They don’t seek to agree
With the hard logic of an Archimedes.
Donuts are rich in femininity.
Of course, they also kill – through diabetes.

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Planned Parenthood ally and notorious glutton Mark Shea decries “Gun Cult.”)

Feeding Frenzy

Feeding Frenzy

 

Marine whales feed on tiny beasts called krill.
The Land Whale knows that donuts are the bomb.
Catching that donut scent, he can’t stay calm.
He zeroes boldly in to make the kill.
No one can claim he’s ever had his fill.
His flipper stretches forth anew, to palm
Another luscious treat, like those his mom
Once served. Oh, how the cream and jelly spill!
His hunt produces volume – yea, and weight!
These are the noble emblems of his being.
Marine whales too grow glorious and great.
They too, it may be said, are well worth seeing.
But Shea is destined for a higher fate.
When he spouts off, he sets vile Nazis fleeing.

 

–Tom Riley

Mark Shea Bodybuilding Course

The Mark Shea Bodybuilding Course

 

Skinny and bullied teen, do not despair!
You too can have a body like Mark Shea.
His system is so cool, it isn’t fair.
Skinny and bullied teen, do not despair!
Just stuff the donuts in — and you will fare
Better in life. Yes, that’s the Mark Shea way!
Skinny and bullied teen: do not despair.
You too can have a body like Mark Shea!

 

—Tom Riley

Truth-Plus

Truth-Plus

 

“Truth’s my food!” he proclaimed. “I renew
My commitment to stick to what’s true
And condemn every lie.
Truth’s my turkey on rye!”
But he shoved lots of donuts in, too.

 

—Tom Riley

Conspicuous Consumption

Conspicuous Consumption

 

People throughout this troubled world, Mark Shea,
Are starving. Why? You’re eating all their food!
White privilege and your selfish attitude
Deprive them of nutrition. What a way
To live, this all-undisciplined display
Of calorie consumption — not just rude
But tending after long years to conclude
In desert wastes and limitless dismay!
Yet to your conscience I shall not appeal,
You glutton. You’re abandoned to your sin.
You’ve murdered your ability to feel
Remorse. Behind your sneer, behind your grin,
There’s only appetite you can’t conceal.
Go ahead: shove another donut in!

 

—Tom Riley