Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: fake news

How to Beat Russian Orcs after Goatfuckers Give You Swirlies

How to Beat Russian Orcs after Goatfuckers Give You Swirlies

Fag generals who took it up the ass
In far Afghanistan grow critical.
The Russian military cannot pass
Their tests. Those Russky orcs are terrible
At soldiering – whereas the wonderful
Ukrainians are trained by us to show
Respect for every gender and give skull
To every tranny officer they know.
It isn’t how you fight: it’s whom you blow!
Austin and Milley promulgate this rule—
For Pentagonians would have it so.
Wokeness is not a waste: it’s super cool!
Cisgendered males are nowadays old news.
That is why Putin’s men are sure to lose.

–Tom Riley

NATO Gambit

The NATO Gambit

Washington moves its European pawns.
Putin has castled, bringing rooks to bear.
Is there true safety on suburban lawns?
Washington moves its European pawns.
Zelensky frowns. Our class of pundits fawns.
To face reality we do not care.
Washington moves its European pawns.
Putin has castled, bringing rooks to bear.

–Tom Riley

Sick Perceptions

Sick Perceptions

Putin’s sick, Western experts all say.
Putin’s sick, and he’ll soon go away.
Putin’s sick. When he’s gone,
It’ll be a new dawn!
Putin’s sick – but Joe Biden’s okay.

–Tom Riley

Otherwise

Otherwise

We lied about the fucking Ghost of Kyiv,
But otherwise the truth is what we tell
Compulsively. We don’t seek to deceive!
We lied about the fucking Ghost of Kyiv?
Well, hopeful fictions help punks to achieve
Confidence. You don’t like it? Burn in Hell!
We lied about the fucking Ghost of Kyiv—
But, otherwise, the truth is what we tell!

–Tom Riley

Approaching Expiration Date

Approaching Expiration Date

Truth: Ukraine will be pacified soon.
Ghost of Kyiv fans learned quickly to swoon
Over fictions incredible.
Shit, though, doesn’t stay edible.
Folks will presently sing a new tune.

–Tom Riley

Evacuated to the Enemy

Evacuated to the Enemy

The Ukronazis got evacuated
All the way into Russian custody.
A triumph – as Ukraine has clearly stated!
The Ukronazis got evacuated!
The truth in such reports is what is hated.
How obvious can all these liars be?
The Ukronazis got evacuated—
All the way into Russian custody.

–Tom Riley

Insightful Analysis

Insightful Analysis

Russia’s losing!” So says the U.K.
Once again. “Ukronazis display
Such extreme fortitude
That it’s frightfully rude
To point out that they’re quitting today.”

–Tom Riley

Pitiful Putin

Pitiful Putin

Putin’s dying of some dread disease.
Which one? Don’t be impertinent, please!
The point is, things are bad
For the loser named Vlad!
(We produce these vague rumors with ease.)

–Tom Riley

Further Moments of Triumph

Further Moments of Triumph

Ukronazis surrender, heads spinning
Despite NATO advice underpinning
All their excellent schemes:
It’s the stuff of bad dreams.
Still, I’m sure that Ukraine must be winning.

–Tom Riley

Heroic Martyrs

Heroic Martyrs

The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender—
But they’re heroic martyrs anyway.
No one returns the narrative to sender.
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender—
But every one of them is a contender
For Soldier of the Century today.
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender,
But they’re heroic martyrs anyway!

–Tom Riley

(Note on the text: If you want to know what a bowl of lies you are being served daily on the topic of the conflict in Ukraine, consider the Ghost of Kyiv and the Heroes of Snake Island. The Ukrainian soldiers stationed on Snake Island became heroes when they told the Russians to fuck off, defiantly refused to surrender, and were blasted into oblivion. Except, well, they never made it to oblivion. They were all captured and ultimately returned to Ukraine in a prisoner exchange. So no heroism, right? They did their duty. We’re glad they survived. But there was no heroic self-sacrifice in the face of Russian aggression. Right? Wrong!

Sites such as the Huffington Post still maintain that these Ukrainians who surrendered are veritable martyrs of Ukrainian patriotism!

Can book deals and movies be far behind? T.R.)