Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: gluttons



“The Normals” is what Fat Boy calls his crew
Of mindless drones, conventional as shit
Fresh from huge bovine asses. Me and you?
We are excluded, folks. We just don’t fit.
This sad truth now I hasten to admit.
I don’t have tons of suet at my waist.
Shirt off, I don’t display tit next to tit.
When I shave close, I am not Innsmouth-faced.
And, worst of all, my literary taste
Is not erected on a normal bed
Of ignorance. That ground has been erased
By study, which I’ve long preferred instead.
Yet set aside such unavailing fact!
Smugness in Normalland remains intact.

–Tom Riley

(Without the facial fur, Mark Shea clearly displays the Innsmouth look.)

Tale of a Chubby Cheerleader

Tale of a Chubby Cheerleader

Mark Shea the Bogus Catholic’s A-okay
With cheering on abortion as a right.
His loyalty he’s happy to display.
At last, he’s seen the baby-killing light—
And with those who have not he’ll gladly fight
Online, though fisticuffs are not his deal.
The great big picture now he keeps in sight.
If you object, he snorts and says: “Get real!”
Before Joe Biden he is proud to kneel—
Though maybe Brainless Joe won’t stoop so low
As to sniff such a head or cop a feel
Of flabby pansy flesh presented so.
Nevertheless, Shea offers firm support
For the right, now held sacred, to abort.

–Tom Riley

Athwart the Tide

Athwart the Tide

Look! Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight!
He’s showing off the flesh of which he’s proud.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate.

Abortion rights in every damn red state
He will defend – and never give a cowed
Look. Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight:

He’s looking pretty and he’s feeling great.
He’d also like to say he’s well endowed.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate,

Making advances at a stunning rate.
Under is how his foes will soon be plowed.
Look: Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight.

He’s back in fighting trim. His every trait
Prepares him to maintain the vows he’s vowed.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate—

And victory is sure to be his fate.
He says it openly. He says it loud.
Look! Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight!
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate.

–Tom Riley

Exemplary Generosity

Exemplary Generosity

“I’m generous with other people’s money,
And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage!”
Says Mark P. Shea, who doesn’t think it’s funny.
“I’m generous with other people’s money,
And therefore I deserve both milk and honey.
I am the Pastry Prophet of the Age!
I’m generous with other people’s money—
And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage.”

–Tom Riley

Fat-Ass White Savior Done Saved the Black Folk Again!

Fat-Ass White Savior Done Saved the Black Folk Again!

A new commandment Shea bestows on us:
“Thou shalt be woke and shalt not mock the woke!”
It follows that we must not make a joke
That Shea does not approve of. On our bus,
He’s now a Freedom Rider! Don’t discuss
How dated is his posture here, nor choke
On his self-righteousness! Wrapped in a cloak
Of many colors, he’s dead serious.
He loves the Black Experience. He does!
There’s never been a savior quite as white
As he is. He transcends red facial fuzz
And honky intonations. Dyn-o-mite!
He cries with a decided nasal buzz.
But still, you Negroes think he’s peachy, right?

–Tom Riley

Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

A Serious Inquiry into the Truth of Scurrilous Accusations

“Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator.”
I said it once – but, really, is it true?
Back then, I put such questions off till later—
As jeering satirists must often do.
Fat Boy, who never had the slightest clue,
Insulted Tulsi Gabbard, who’s a fox.
I stuck up for that goddess right on cue.
I figured Shea had merited hard knocks.
As Stoicism teaches, calmness rocks—
And now I’m calm. What say you, Mr. Shea?
Is nasty right-wing bigotry a box
That you escape by watching guys gone gay?
Is chronic self-abuse your chosen tonic?
“Depends on what you mean,” he says, “by chronic.”

–Tom Riley

(Once again, de rigueur, I am not here literally asserting that this particular vice should be added to Shea’s public list — just that its mention conveys metaphorically something about his essential character. No, the Self-Proclaimed Archetypal Hero didn’t really answer as in line 14, or give any answer at all. He seldom does — probably because he’s been told I want him to challenge me to a duel, so that I can choose lethal weapons. We share a common vacation spot — Lopez Island, Washington — so there is a convenient site for his fortuitous defeat in mortal combat. Ha! Shea doesn’t even want to fight a duel in the sonneteering realm! He’d get his oversized posterior booted hard on that island, too.)

Treason Trial

Treason Trial

In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)
His keyboard cry is, “Death to the invader!”
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor!
Being a chronic gay porn masturbator,
He feels his sissy neurons slip away.
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)

–Tom Riley

(Line 5: Not a literal allegation, but arguably true in a figurative sense. The satirist here of course has no more evidence that Mark Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator than Shea himself has that Tulsi Gabbard is a traitor. And, if evidence of Shea’s degraded habits actually surfaced, we’d all try to avoid looking at it.)

Mr. Shea’s Heroic Day

Mr. Shea’s Heroic Day

“As archetypal hero,” says Mark Shea,
“I myself am repelling Putin’s forces
At an amazing rate. Please shout hurray
As I knock jets and missiles off their courses!
I have the strength of twenty-seven horses
Here in my manly and attractive frame.
Zelensky unequivocally endorses
My efforts – and he celebrates my name!”
Okay. Shea hasn’t really said this. Shame
On me, the satirist who dares suggest
He has! But is it wilder than his claim
To be the arbiter of what is best
In troubling international relations—
Or worse than all his Twitter fulminations?

–Tom Riley

Fat Lot of Good

A Fat Lot of Good

Shea’s heart is with the people of Ukraine.
The fat therein could feed them for a week.
Shea’s solidarity he can’t contain:
Shea’s heart is with the people of Ukraine!
Of that, I’m sure, Zelensky won’t complain.
There are no vital assets left to seek.
Shea’s heart is with the people of Ukraine.
The fat therein could feed them for a week.

–Tom Riley

Too Stupid to Be a Hypocrite?

Too Stupid to Be a Hypocrite?

Shea is stupid. Of this there’s no doubt.
Stupid things he’s determined to shout—
Or to tweet. Never ends!
When the Judgment impends,
Will the plea, “I’m a fool,” help him out?

–Tom Riley

Note on the Text

I’m not on Facebook or Twitter anymore, so I don’t see the little verbal twitches that constitute Mark Shea’s reason for existence. But readers of this blog send me screen shots when they’re particularly incensed by his attacks on reason and common human decency. Two recent ones made me briefly consider that Shea might be a hypocrite, destined for the Eighth Circle of Hell according to Dante. But then I reconsidered. Maybe Shea doesn’t have the brains to be hypocritical.

The last shall be first and the first shall be last – so here’s the second tweet sent to me by a real Catholic:

Shea here is attacking Canada’s trucker convoy – at the very moment when Justin Trudeau was unleashing a totalitarian putsch against brave Canadian citizens trying to stand up to ridiculous mask and vaccine mandates. These mandates give Shea more of a thrill than his hypothetical rectal vibrator. I’ll delve into the details a little later. The main point is that comparing Trudeau’s totalitarian actions to Nazi totalitarian actions is not okay according to Shea.

Here’s the first tweet – posted a little over two weeks before:

The point here is that the GOP may take advantage of Brainless Joe Biden’s dementia displays to win the midterm elections – and they shouldn’t… because they’re Nazis!

The hypocrisy is pretty clear, right? In the mind of Shea, it’s plain crazy to compare Trudeau’s totalitarianism to Nazi totalitarianism, and it disqualifies you from being taken seriously the way Fat Boy needs to be taken seriously. Don’t be silly, you Canadian truckers! But it’s A-okay to compare the GOP in this country to Nazis, or even to say that they are Nazis. Indeed, in other venues, Shea has called the Canadian truckers themselves Nazis. There are very few ideological opponents that he hasn’t called Nazis.
Hypocritical rhetoric, yes?

The thing is, though, I’m beginning to doubt that Fat Boy can even see the self-contradiction. The two propositions – “It’s wrong to call your ideological opponents Nazis” and “Shea’s ideological opponents are Nazis” – loiter arm and arm in his skull, and he sees no conflict at all.

He may actually be that stupid.

I do need to note here that I don’t think Trudeau is a Nazi. He’s more of a Commie. But really he’s just a leftist globalist intent on a new brand of pansy tyranny.

Shea, of course, doesn’t really know anything about Nazi Germany – or about history in general. He once maintained that the only evidence for Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul was Caesar’s own self-promoting book. But Shea does like to pretend.

Note the reference to self-pity – a recent obsession of Shea’s, and an obvious function of projection. Shea once whined that he was “trying to say yes to God” and “widely hated” on that account. Boo-hoo.

Note furthermore the reference to spreading COVID. Fat Boy apparently still thinks that the COVID vaccines prevent transmission, though it’s been admitted since July of last year that they don’t. I myself caught COVID on Christmas Eve from a relative who had been fully vaccinated and boosted. Almost everyone else in the room caught it, too. I won’t cry about it, Shea fashion, because it wasn’t at all a big deal. I worked out for at least a half-hour every day that I had the disease. And I remain unvaccinated. Pope Francis, go collect your thirty pieces of silver from Chairman Xi.

Fat Boy might fear a different experience with COVID. Though we’re both the same age, he is… well… grossly obese. That makes him especially vulnerable.

And you all have to get the vaccine that doesn’t work or he’ll hold his breath and turn blue!