Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: heroes

Old Marse Robert Samples Aleksandr Dugin’s Vodka and Finds It Good

Old Marse Robert Samples Aleksandr Dugin’s Vodka and Finds It Good

“Aggressive abroad and despotic at home.”

The unipolar world is at an end—
Which suits me fine. The Yankees went too far,
As Yankees always go. Now they descend.
I’m watching their imaginary star
Plummet. The tortured earth it’s sure to scar
Again – a sort of global spouse abuse.
But keep the victim handcuffed? No cigar.
Expecting that, the Yankees prove obtuse
Beyond their former measure. Fast and loose
They’ve played since 1860. For a while,
It served them well. But now, neck in the noose,
Their empire will be throttled, and in style.
And all of the disasters that we see?
Predicted by the Last of Heroes, Lee.

–Tom Riley

Hero Worship 2022

Hero Worship 2022

“Heroic Azov Nazis….” Cross that out!
“Heroic Azov fighters….” Yeah, that’s better.
It’s only Russian bots who ever shout
“Heroic Azov Nazis!” Cross that out!
Their Nazi status once we did not doubt—
But now it pays to be a swift forgetter.
Heroic Azov Nazis? Cross that out!
Heroic Azov fighters! Yeah, that’s better.

–Tom Riley

Greatest

The Greatest

Against Foreman, who really could hit, he
Took a shitload of punches. Then, witty
As at all times, he cheered
The dark course he had steered.
He died hard? Maybe so – but still pretty.

–Tom Riley

Heroic Martyrs

Heroic Martyrs

The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender—
But they’re heroic martyrs anyway.
No one returns the narrative to sender.
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender—
But every one of them is a contender
For Soldier of the Century today.
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender,
But they’re heroic martyrs anyway!

–Tom Riley

(Note on the text: If you want to know what a bowl of lies you are being served daily on the topic of the conflict in Ukraine, consider the Ghost of Kyiv and the Heroes of Snake Island. The Ukrainian soldiers stationed on Snake Island became heroes when they told the Russians to fuck off, defiantly refused to surrender, and were blasted into oblivion. Except, well, they never made it to oblivion. They were all captured and ultimately returned to Ukraine in a prisoner exchange. So no heroism, right? They did their duty. We’re glad they survived. But there was no heroic self-sacrifice in the face of Russian aggression. Right? Wrong!

Sites such as the Huffington Post still maintain that these Ukrainians who surrendered are veritable martyrs of Ukrainian patriotism!

Can book deals and movies be far behind? T.R.)

Mr. Shea’s Heroic Day

Mr. Shea’s Heroic Day

“As archetypal hero,” says Mark Shea,
“I myself am repelling Putin’s forces
At an amazing rate. Please shout hurray
As I knock jets and missiles off their courses!
I have the strength of twenty-seven horses
Here in my manly and attractive frame.
Zelensky unequivocally endorses
My efforts – and he celebrates my name!”
Okay. Shea hasn’t really said this. Shame
On me, the satirist who dares suggest
He has! But is it wilder than his claim
To be the arbiter of what is best
In troubling international relations—
Or worse than all his Twitter fulminations?

–Tom Riley

Mighty Skateboard

Mighty Skateboard

Did Huber swing his mighty skateboard hard?
Was he a warrior of justice then?
Often the course of heroes is ill-starred.
Often, though frank admirers cry amen,
Things don’t go swimmingly. Unready when
The gods grow jealous of his qualities,
The hero is slapped down to earth again.
There are a lot of myths, my friend, like these.
But every sage who’s glanced his way agrees
That Huber ain’t no hero in this mold.
Huber, as great as great Achilles? Please!
Before the court, a truer tale was told.
That bitch just didn’t have the proper stuff.
He swung his skateboard – not quite hard enough.

–Tom Riley

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Wisest

Wisest

You yet remain the wisest of the Greeks,
Odysseus – and wiser far than those
Implausible and un-Hellenic freaks
From whom the piss of condemnation flows
In your sublime direction. Hold your nose
Against the acrid odor – but refrain
From feeling that the stars of these slack shows
Affect your glory. All that noise is vain.
Lord: Fr. Wetta never had a brain,
And what in Hades is the Scholar Shea?
How can the farts of such base pigs pertain?
How can it matter, what they have to say?
Century after fleeting century,
You are the model of sagacity.

–Tom Riley

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Revenge of the Nerd

Revenge of the Nerd

How can this sissy general at last
Be victor in a battle fiercely fought?
True victory, of course, cannot be bought.
Achilles sprints. Thersites, far outclassed,
Would love to see the godlike hero passed,
Would love to see his greatness brought to naught.
But such an outcome, furiously sought,
Is never given to the candy-assed.
The only contest possible is bitching—
But even there there’s way too much to dread.
The hero might undo some bio-stitching
And paint the field with hemoglobin red!
That’s why the current option’s so bewitching:
Ty Seidule will bitch against the dead!

–Tom Riley

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How to Become a Hero in One Easy Lesson

How to Become a Hero in One Easy Lesson

 
The terrorist that Trump took out
Is now a noble hero:
That’s what the pundits think and shout.
The terrorist that Trump took out?
He was a gem beyond all doubt!
Justification: zero!
The terrorist that Trump took out
Is now a noble hero.

 
–Tom Riley

 

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Heroic Figures

Heroic Figures

 

Shea’s heroic, they say, to a fault.

He embraces the hero gestalt.

He is Superman squared:

Super-fat, super-haired.

And his sidekick is Scott Eric Alt.

 

–Tom Riley