Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: Mark P. Shea

Athwart the Tide

Athwart the Tide

Look! Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight!
He’s showing off the flesh of which he’s proud.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate.

Abortion rights in every damn red state
He will defend – and never give a cowed
Look. Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight:

He’s looking pretty and he’s feeling great.
He’d also like to say he’s well endowed.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate,

Making advances at a stunning rate.
Under is how his foes will soon be plowed.
Look: Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight.

He’s back in fighting trim. His every trait
Prepares him to maintain the vows he’s vowed.
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate—

And victory is sure to be his fate.
He says it openly. He says it loud.
Look! Mark Shea got a shave and lost some weight!
He stands athwart the tide of MAGA hate.

–Tom Riley

Exemplary Generosity

Exemplary Generosity

“I’m generous with other people’s money,
And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage!”
Says Mark P. Shea, who doesn’t think it’s funny.
“I’m generous with other people’s money,
And therefore I deserve both milk and honey.
I am the Pastry Prophet of the Age!
I’m generous with other people’s money—
And therefore I’m the finest Catholic sage.”

–Tom Riley

Ex-Pro-Lifer

Ex-Pro-Lifer

Has Mark P. Shea defected from the cause?
Suety loudmouths we can do without.
We’re winning now – but questions give us pause.
Has Mark P. Shea defected from the cause?
Guys who sport tits need heavy-duty bras.
We’ve lost such gravity, I have no doubt.
Has Mark P. Shea defected from the cause?
Suety loudmouths we can do without.

–Tom Riley

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Bountiful Lard Mutters

Bountiful Lard Mutters

Who’s backing Black Lives Matter? Mark P. Shea!
He’ll back them just as long as they’re in style.
You claim his motivations here are vile?
That’s something that you’re not allowed to say!
Shea is the foremost prophet of our day.
His insights are not subject to denial.
His holy channel rocks! Don’t touch that dial!
His virtue signals ain’t just vain display.
But back to Black Lives Matter. Hey, they’re cool—
And therefore for Mark Shea a perfect fit.
He judges you a damned and hopeless fool
If you do not agree, you skinny twit!
Black lives are due for Christianoid renewal.
They need a Fat White Savior – and he’s it.

–Tom Riley

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Aspirations

Aspirations

Who now longs to be trans? Mark P. Shea—
As he formerly longed to be gay.
Yes, whatever’s in fashion
Is his transcendent passion.
What the fuck is he really? Can’t say.

–Tom Riley

Vast Vacancy

The Vast Vacancy

 

That fat fraud Shea is at it once again.
What is he up to? Well, of course he’s lying.
He earns from sycophants a swift amen.
He finds the praise of morons gratifying.
Truly engage his brain? He isn’t trying.
It’s all progressive reflex, leftist twitch.
You might conclude that he were daily dying
To be, say, hag Pelosi’s strap-on bitch.
But you’d be wrong. When he adores that witch
Or sticks his busy tongue up Biden’s ass,
He isn’t scratching any inner itch.
Rather, it’s like his posturing at Mass.
He just thinks it’ll pay the bills to do it.
He’s vacuous inside – except for suet.

 

–Tom Riley

 

Wasteline

Wasteline

 

“Throwing away food is like stealing from the tables of the poor.”

 

–Pope Francis I.

 

Wasting food is like stealing from the poor,
His Holiness informs us – and he’s right
To some extent. I heartily abhor
The waste of food. It makes me want to fight.
Who wastes more food, however, day and night,
Than Mark P. Shea, who stuffs it in his face
And stores it on his paunch and ass, despite
The starving multitudes? What a disgrace!
The calories that settle into place
Visibly on his soft, expanding frame
Could have fed members of the human race.
For shame, you stumbling, belching mass! For shame!
Admonish him. He’ll stuff in more and more.
Hypocrite Shea is stealing from the poor!

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Note: An earlier version of this sonnet rhymed “poor” according to its more formal pronunciation – with “endure” in one case and with “secure” in another. I adjudged the result as too Oxbridge in tone, as if it were being recited through the wretched teeth of John Oliver. So I revised for the sake of us all. T.R.)

Monetization

Monetization

 

Mr. Shea’s shaping sly verbal traps
For your wealth. Amongst Patreon chaps,
He’s more beggar than most—
And more likely to boast.
Weighed down thus, Patreon may collapse.

 

–Tom Riley