Flammeus Gladius

Carmina et Verba pro Discipulis Meis

Tag: quatrains

Direful Dave

What Tearing Down Confederate Monuments Won't Solve | Time

 

Direful Dave

 

(for Andrew Cooper)

 

Glenn Goody, Glenn Goody,
A liberal guy,
Decided to send forth
A shrill battle cry.

“I cannot endure it,
That damn C.S.A.!
I wish all its statues
Forever away!”

Was slavery long over?
Were rebels long dead?
Glenn just didn’t buy it.
He fought on instead.

The statue in Glenn’s town
Was called Direful Dave.
Dave needed a new sword—
And he needed a shave.

For Dave in his lifetime,
Like most rebel sons,
Had been poorly equipped when
He faced down Yankee guns.

He rode far with Jeb Stuart
And he perished uncowed.
And of Dave his home town had
Remained always proud.

Well, except for Glenn Goody,
Long encumbered by hate.
He was planning for Dave
An embarrassing fate.

So one night when the moon was
Just a sliver of light,
Glenn pushed over Dave’s figure
From its pedestal’s height.

Then with chisel and hammer
Glenn erased Dave’s poor face.
In the spirit of judgment,
Glenn committed disgrace.

When the crime was discovered,
Folks were fit to be tied.
Sheriff spoke to Glenn Goody—
But Glenn easily lied.

When the full moon arrived, though,
And the morning came after,
Something deep within ended:
Glenn’s interior laughter.

On the pedestal emptied
Lay Glenn’s body, distressed—
For a warhorse’s fierce hooves
Had caved in his chest.

And between his two legs lay
What could not be ignored:
Glenn’s judgmental head severed
By one sweep of the sword.

People say in the town now
When the moon swells and shines
Dave is no longer direful.
They can tell by the signs.

Evildoers delivered
To Dave’s pedestal prove
That the town’s long-gone hero
Is now back in the groove.

And the blacksmith is grinning—
For he knows who has made
Solid shoes for Dave’s charger
And for Dave a new blade.

 

Deo Vindice!

Tom Riley

Sprinter’s Speed

Sprinter’s Speed

 

“The classic monsters bore me!” he declared.
“Vampires and werewolves, Frankenstein…. Who’s scared?”
They leapt that very moment from the screen.
Such sprinter’s speed is very rarely seen.

 

–Tom Riley

 

Universal Classic Monsters Complete Collection Coming to Blu-ray | Dead Entertainment

Completely Reparated

Completely Reparated

Does Kamala owe
Slaveholder reparations? No
Longer: we rule such claims supremely silly.
She paid all debts by sucking Willie’s willy.

–Tom Riley

 

#1 NAT I ONAL BESTSELLER HARRIS THE ART OF THE KNEEL ...

Cornpoppery

Cornpoppery

 

’Twas Biden – or demented Joe—
Who told this loony lifeguard tale.
He dealt with gangsta types, you know:
He couldn’t let his manhood fail.

“Beware the Roman gang, my lad—
Their razor blades, their tempers hot!
Beware that Corn Pop cat: he bad!
A man for slighting he is not!”

The leader, he defied a rule.
Joe couldn’t stand a rule defied.
“Hey, Esther Williams, that ain’t cool.”
Said Corn Pop: “We’ll see you outside!”

Joe asked: “How shall I deal with blacks?
I find the answer in my brain!
When faced with razor blade attacks,
It’s smart to bring a heavy chain!”

Confronted with the emblem of
A servile past, the thug backed down.
He and his homeys learned to love
Caucasian Joe from toe to crown.

“Have I now reestablished my
Imperative supremacy?
Oh, what a hairy-legged guy
I am indeed! Hurray for me!”

Dear Negroes: please don’t take offense
At Joe’s weird crap. Just laugh instead.
This tale contains no real events.
It only happened in Joe’s head.

 

–Tom Riley

 

CORN POP: The Only Thing Funnier Than Joe Biden's Crazy Story Is THIS Twitter Reaction To It

Stoic Lover

The Stoic Lover

Souls by their bodies borne away
Might never meet again.
That’s something that I had to say
Before I said amen.

–Tom Riley

Blackbird Ignoramus

Blackbird Ignoramus

A raven hidden in a flock of crows—
A “murder,” as the most affected say?
You will not see that, lad, by night or day.
You haven’t studied ravens, and it shows.

–Tom Riley

Times Change

Times Change

 

You were anti-gay long, long ago.

But times change, buddy.  So then should you!

You were anti-gay.  Yes, sadly so.

Now you’re anti-LGBTQ.

 

–Tom Riley

Unwise Blood

Unwise Blood

 

Some drooling YouTube sycophant declares
That Shea has reached the literary height
Of Flannery O’Connor. Splitting hairs,
Perhaps, I note a difference: she could write.

 

—Tom Riley

Prophet, Seer, and Revelator

Prophet, Seer, and Revelator

 

Pope Francis, querulous and meretricious,
Thinks he’s the Mormon Prophet in his way:
He gets new revelations every day!
The Mormon Prophet, though, is more judicious.

 

—Tom Riley

Ecclesiastical History

Ecclesiastical History

 

If anything, O Lord, could make me cede
Ground to the pagans as they foully lead
The way to Hell, I say that it would be
Tedium dripping from the works of Bede.

 

—Tom Riley