De Ira Papae
Now Pope Dingbat decides to talk tough.
He’s for children – and all of that stuff.
Though he’s willing to rail,
He’ll decline to impale—
Which is proof he’s not outraged enough.
–Tom Riley
(Pope gets tough with clerical sex abuse.)
Episcopal Urges
Catholic parents, pay heed to my rhyme:
U.S. bishops are typically slime,
Like the pope they adore.
As you’ve all seen before,
They will sell out your kids every time.
–Tom Riley
(Bishops of Covington, Lexington betray Catholic schoolboys.)
The Justice of Francis
Does the bonehead pope mean to go far
In pursuit, folks, of justice? He’ll star
In a film, if he can,
Where he’s hailed as the Man.
But it’s really just papal P.R.
–Tom Riley
Fr. Jenkins Explains It All to You
Jenkins of Notre Dame is quite upset.
These child molesters shouldn’t be regarded
As monsters! They are often golden-hearted—
And that’s a fact we oughtn’t to forget.
It’s true! The pederasts whom he has met,
Although from their perversions never parted,
Are sterling figures not to be discarded.
With therapy, they’ll be perfected yet!
Punishment, brethren, ain’t the Christian way.
Forgive your fellow Christian if he’s tardy
In virtue – and don’t claim he has to pay!
Your average youngster’s really pretty hardy
And will emerge unscathed some shining day.
It’s fabulous! Come on, boys: slumber party!
–Tom Riley
Papal Portrait
Bright white cassock: the dictator pope
Fills with sunshine. He’s sure he can cope—
And protect loyal pals
Who’ve abused boys and gals.
Will he fall on his face? We can hope.
–Tom Riley
Pastoral Discretion
Stars are famous. They also have riches.
I don’t claim that the papal palm itches—
But pope meets with such guys.
He has other replies
For abuse victims: “Fuck off, you bitches!”
–Tom Riley
(Pope meets with movie stars, not abuse victims.)
Eminently Qualified
Pope needs unthinking fools to kiss his ass—
And Shea is eminently qualified.
It helps a lot that Shea lacks sense and class:
That means that no request will be denied!
Even in utter silence, this pope lied—
A trick that Shea is certain to admire.
In artless verbiage the slave will hide
The master’s filthy crimes. He’ll never tire!
Whatever high-placed pederasts require,
Submissive Shea is happy to supply.
“After all, who implanted this desire
If not the Lord?” Shea’s quick to say, “Aye, aye!”
And, if you find such eagerness obscene,
You’re a cog in the right-wing noise machine.
–Tom Riley
(PP ally and notorious glutton Mark Shea defends papal malfeasance.)
Mighty Hunters before the Lord
The hounds are loosed on mouthy Viganó—
Who dared reveal what wise Pope Francis hid.
Of Viganó the Church must now be rid
So prelate types can let denials flow
Anew. The nuncio sank really low.
The angels just can’t credit what he did.
Hey, can’t a hierophant abuse a kid
Without this bastard letting people know?
Pope Nicey Nice will put a stop to this
With sanctions fiercer than the fires of Hell.
He offers predators his ring to kiss.
They’ll hunt the motherfucker down by smell.
On him may zealous imps forever piss!
There are some truths that no one ought to tell.
–Tom Riley
Inadmissible
“Some officials require execution,
Can’t be cleansed through a lesser ablution!”
Vengeful idiots, please!
Our wise pope disagrees.
Plastic straws: those spell moral pollution!
–Tom Riley
The Real Problem
What? Condemn pervert crimes? Peter’s heir
Has determined that wouldn’t be fair—
Not to hierarchs like these.
Buddy, look at the seas!
There are too many plastic straws there!
–Tom Riley
Flammeus Gladius 
