In the Pre-Existence
Back in the pre-existence, I devised
Mnemonics. Now I find they just don’t work.
The need to cling to truth I realized
Back in the pre-existence. I devised
Mnemonics. Aspiration, super-sized,
Compelled me. Now I feel like such a jerk!
Back in the pre-existence, I devised
Mnemonics. Now I find they just don’t work.
–Tom Riley
Hitler2
You wouldn’t lick the sole of NATO’s boot—
So, Putin, you’re a sort of Hitler Squared.
You wouldn’t kiss the West’s obscene patoot.
You wouldn’t lick the sole of NATO’s boot.
You wouldn’t poison Russia at the root.
Such a refusal cannot be repaired!
You wouldn’t lick the sole of NATO’s boot—
So, Putin, you’re a sort of Hitler Squared.
–Tom Riley
Heroic Martyrs
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender—
But they’re heroic martyrs anyway.
No one returns the narrative to sender.
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender—
But every one of them is a contender
For Soldier of the Century today.
The Heroes of Snake Island did surrender,
But they’re heroic martyrs anyway!
–Tom Riley
(Note on the text: If you want to know what a bowl of lies you are being served daily on the topic of the conflict in Ukraine, consider the Ghost of Kyiv and the Heroes of Snake Island. The Ukrainian soldiers stationed on Snake Island became heroes when they told the Russians to fuck off, defiantly refused to surrender, and were blasted into oblivion. Except, well, they never made it to oblivion. They were all captured and ultimately returned to Ukraine in a prisoner exchange. So no heroism, right? They did their duty. We’re glad they survived. But there was no heroic self-sacrifice in the face of Russian aggression. Right? Wrong!
Sites such as the Huffington Post still maintain that these Ukrainians who surrendered are veritable martyrs of Ukrainian patriotism!
Can book deals and movies be far behind? T.R.)
Russia, Veni Foras!
Et hæc cum dixisset, voce magna clamavit:
Lazare, veni foras!
The man who brought back Russia from the dead?
Oh, what a monster! He’s the guy we hate!
He should have let his nation rot instead!
The man who brought back Russia from the dead
Inspires in Western fairies endless dread.
He won’t embrace their narrative as fate.
The man who brought back Russia from the dead:
Oh, what a monster! He’s the guy we hate!
–Tom Riley
Treason Trial
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)
His keyboard cry is, “Death to the invader!”
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor!
Being a chronic gay porn masturbator,
He feels his sissy neurons slip away.
In Mark Shea’s view, most everyone’s a traitor.
(He has no principles he could betray.)
–Tom Riley
(Line 5: Not a literal allegation, but arguably true in a figurative sense. The satirist here of course has no more evidence that Mark Shea is a chronic gay porn masturbator than Shea himself has that Tulsi Gabbard is a traitor. And, if evidence of Shea’s degraded habits actually surfaced, we’d all try to avoid looking at it.)
Elimination Compensation
If only Vlad could be eliminated,
Why, Russians could be just like Lindsey Graham
And Bonehead Joe! Our values must be stated:
If only Vlad could be eliminated—
By which we mean, of course, assassinated—
McDonald’s could return to them. Hot damn!
If only Vlad could be eliminated,
Why, Russians could be just like Lindsey Graham!
–Tom Riley
Coils
The globalists are tightening their coils.
Why won’t you just agree to be constricted?
You’ll be rewarded with essential oils!
The globalists are tightening their coils
Gently – so it is monstrous, blood that boils.
To respiration why are you addicted?
The globalists are tightening their coils.
Why won’t you just agree to be constricted?
–Tom Riley
NATO Intervention
If only NATO ceased to hold him back
Joe would go now to whip some Putin butt!
Joe’s angry – and inclined toward fierce attack
If only NATO ceased to hold him back.
Heroic valor? That he doesn’t lack!
Just ask him and he’ll answer fiercely: “What?”
If only NATO ceased to hold him back
Joe would go now to whip some Putin butt!
–Tom Riley
We’re the Good Guys
We gather world opinion to our cause.
And what we do is righteous – every time.
By force we spread our vision, customs, laws.
We gather world opinion to our cause!
At other empires, maybe, conscience gnaws.
In our case, though, a crime is not a crime.
We gather world opinion to our cause.
And what we do is righteous – every time!
–Tom Riley
The Delights of Dissent
Whenever it’s unanimous, I’m pissed—
And pretty much determined to dissent.
A view, it seems to me, I must resist
Whenever it’s unanimous. I’m pissed
When I detect the smugness. My right fist
I clench, content to be a malcontent.
Whenever it’s unanimous, I’m pissed
And pretty much determined to dissent.
–Tom Riley
Flammeus Gladius 