Blondie

Blondie

 

 

“Capillum leviter inflexum et subflavum.”

–Suetonius, Divus Augustus, 79.

 

 

Caesar Augustus was, indeed, a blond.
Suetonius communicates this fact
To those of us who of the truth are fond.
Others with ignorance have made a pact.
Denial is their ethic and their act,
And all that they can ever really do
Is show they lack what they have always lacked:
A willingness to nod toward what is true.
Hating clues, they can never get a clue.
Dreading proof, they’re forever doomed to flee.
Sneers and quips are the hallmarks of that crew.
Reality is what they will not see.
To you and me, however, hard fact rocks.
Hail, Caesar, and we praise your golden locks!

 

 

–Tom Riley

 

 

(Perhaps foolishly, I got involved in a tangential controversy, over at “The American Conservative,” concerning the predominant complexions in the Greco-Roman world. Someone named Siarlys Jenkins was arguing for the indefensible proposition that the Ancient Romans looked like Denzel Washington. I first pointed out, and then proved with documentary evidence, that Caesar Augustus was blond. And I like to rub it in when I prove something….)

Government by Decree

Government by Decree

 

“Incitato equo, cuius causa pridie circenses, ne inquietaretur, uiciniae silentium per milites indicere solebat, praeter equile marmoreum et praesaepe eburneum praeterque purpurea tegumenta ac monilia e gemmis domum etiam et familiam et supellectilem dedit, quo lautius nomine eius inuitati acciperentur; consulatum quoque traditur destinasse.”

 

–Suetonius, Caligula, 55:3

 

 

The Lord Obama governs by decree.
He orders crazy things: we must obey!
We shall accept pansexuality–
and, if we don’t, he’ll make sure that we pay.
From his celestial throne, he has his say.
Our duty here on earth is to adore.
To him alone are we allowed to pray.
He is the one who keeps the truest score.
Criticize him and you become a bore
at first — and then a criminal, of course.
I say we should have seen it long before
today. Joe Biden’s dumber than a horse–
but he’s Barack’s V.P. America,
I think we’ve found our own Caligula.

 

 

–Tom Riley

Tiberius

Tiberius

 

 

All that persists today is calumny–
the vicious lies your enemies composed
to brand your justice simple tyranny.
After your death, the day’s tribunals closed.
Into the gathered gossip then they nosed,
Suetonius and Tacitus. The case
was settled, as the multitude supposed.
A monster dwelt behind your noble face.
Voltaire objected in his age, the Ace
of Doubts. The story didn’t make much sense.
His refutation, maybe, holds its place–
but the light that it sheds is not intense.
Your name is uttered — and we hear the noise:
the things they say you did to little boys!

 

 

–Tom Riley

New Emperor

The New Emperor

 

 

 

 

He hid behind the curtain to survive.

They found him and they made him Emperor

Of all the world.  “Come on, lads: look alive!”

They hoisted him on shoulders as before

They’d hoisted no one.  Ah, one Caesar more—

And then, perhaps, another after that!

The ancient commonwealth?  Hell, why restore

That madness?  They could have an autocrat—

And, even if he ended up a brat

Fit for assassination, still his power

Would cram their own firm jaws till they grew fat.

They shaped their futures in that lucky hour.

And all their benefits were fixed for them.

They did it more by whim than stratagem.

 

 

 

 

 

–Tom Riley

Messalina

Messalina

 

 

 

 

Competing with the representative

Of the expanding Guild of Prostitutes,

She truly shows how Caesar’s wife should live:

She tears up all conventions by the roots.

Previous leader ladies have been beauts

In their own ways – but none has quite done this.

While slaves serve wine and dance and play their flutes,

She tries to steal an empire like a kiss.

Strike off her pretty head! the Furies hiss.

Give it a start – and we shall do the rest.

He’d have to be an awful fool to miss

That chance, to fail that small and simple test.

He doesn’t miss.  He doesn’t fail.  How sad!

After the fact, he wishes that he had.

 

 

 

 

 

–Tom Riley

AMY WALKS OUT OF CLASS

AMY WALKS OUT OF CLASS

 

 

(for Amy Summerhays)

 

 

Suetonius was way too much for Amy—

And all those details were superfluous.

She knew the Caesars’ souls smelled rather gamy.

She knew that Nero was a vicious cuss.

Why did she need to tour in Riley’s bus

The trials of that awful family,

The crimes of Gaius and Tiberius,

The sights no decent girl should have to see?

So out she walked.  If only I could be

Like Amy, and avoid the seamy side

Of this, our seamy world, then certainly

Into a saint I’d be transmogrified.

As it is, I apply corrupted smarts

To reading over all the vilest parts.

 

 

–Tom Riley