Toe to Head

by flammeusgladius

Toe to Head



Dear Cate:

I’m an admirer of your feet,
The ones that you display against the grass
Of fair Lothlórien. Your feet surpass
All other starlets’ feet: so slim, so neat,
So perfect! Over me their power’s complete.
They’re prettier by far, my Aussie lass,
Than the Black Widow’s gorgeous little ass
And I’m a guy who loves the female seat.
That’s why, my love, I have to say your brain
Has let me down. Your quip was in the news.
An Elven queen would have to go insane
Before she’d vent such twisted, orkish views.
O Cate, your Twittershit has caused me pain!
So hush your mouth – and take off both your shoes.



–Tom Riley



(Actress Cate Blanchett issues vaginal statement.)