Suety Snowflake

by flammeusgladius

Suety Snowflake


Now Shea, that liar, claims to be “all hide 

And sinew.” Ha! There ain’t no sinew there—

Just lard that overflows without a care

For normal limits. Scientists have tried

To keep that mass of blubber quantified,

But Shea’s vast fat is science’s despair.

Pretty soon it’ll be most everywhere.

Look: crowds of extras flee on either side!

Oh, wait: am I engaging in abuse,

And is my lack of charity a sin?

Folks, it’s an image! I play fast and loose

With literal perceptions. Please begin

To understand! I mock Shea’s huge caboose

To criticize the flaccid soul within.


—Tom Riley